LotR: The Fellowship of the Fangirl
by Kenna Flynne
Summary: Two girls are whisked into a world of Elves, Hobbits, Men, and Orcs...and destroy it.
1. Introduction to the PEF and the OEF

**OOC: Um...hi. What am I supposed to put here...? **

  
A/N- WOOOT! Guess who's back! ME! I told myself I would never write one of these...but I did. Sigh. Luckily, it's not a Mary Sue. Woot. BTW, this is the writer formally (and still) known as Rumbottom. Lady Rumbottom. Other fics will be put on momentary hold. (This is "Chelsea's" account. Jamie has the OOCs, interpreted differently than normally. Out of Character, meaning OUT of character, instead of "out of CHARACTER." Got it? Great. Normally, the top will be Jamie's section, but as this is her first fic (huzzah!), I'm kinda taking over. 

  
Disclaimer- We don't own anything you recognize. Which means *deep breath* Legolas, Pippin, Frodo, any and all LotR characters, settings, languages, any quotes that are vaguely recognizable, etc. etc. etc. BUT WE DO OWN VALANDIL, AND THAT MAKES ME ETERNALLY PROUD! 

  
And now, without further ado... LORD OF THE RINGS: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE FANGIRL! 

  


Chapter One

  
_*Chelsea's POV*_

  
So another Gold Day dawned: boring, bright, and…gold. I had just left the Math Lab with Stepho, complaining. "Well, I'm off to History. See ya later!" I said, waving as we parted paths. I tripped into the land more commonly known as the Realm of Eternal Boredom. 

  
"Blahdiddyblahblahblah…." 

  
Oh, sigh. I was uber bored. To sum it all up, history was historic. 

  
At the end of the day, I was singing to my locker as usual. Jamie walked up just as the locker door gave way. 

  
"Hey," she said, ogling my Paris of Troy picture. 

  
"Hello, my ferret friend!" I said, shoving my science book in. Jamie sighed: "Why am I a ferret?" 

  
"Erm…. i dunno," I replied, gazing off into space. 

  
"Only 96 more days until Troy!" Jamie grinned. 

  
"Parappetizer?" I questioned. 

  
"Definitely." 

  
It was quiet as I threw my other numerous books n. I picked up the last one, savoring the weight of the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. Jamie eyed it suspiciously. "Where did you get that?" 

  
"Flea market!" I said happily. 

  
The leather bound edition was dirty and mangled on the outside, but the inside was as good as new. Or so I thought. I'd never really seen it… 

  
My fingers pried it open, and indeed it was perfect… Save for a note written in an intricate script. 

  


_Book of Tolkien, book divine… _

Reader, beware, 

Within these pages lurks dangerous warfare 

Reader, heed 

Beyond this point you will not be freed. 

  
It was silent, and I could have sworn I heard thunder rumbling outside. But it was perfectly sunny outside. 

  
Jamie laughed nervously. "What find of freak would write something like…?" 

  
But I didn't hear the rest, as I was too busy throwing down the book and screaming "HYAH, EVIL BOOK!" Jamie looked somewhat amused, somewhat scared. I turned back to my locker to see every one of my Lord of the Rings pictures glowing bright blue. 

  
"What's going on here?" we said in panicked unison. I turned around to see the book…was gone. 

  
Oh, crap. 

  
I leaned in for a closer look at the now-seemingly radioactive pictures, and felt a gust of wind and unfamiliar voices. 

  
It wasn't until I heard some anonymous passerby scream I noticed we were being sucked into the book, which was levitating in the air. 

  
"CHELSEA! I DO NOT LIKE THIS!" Jamie screamed, reaching for her stuff. 

  
I copied her actions and screeched in reply, "LIKE I DO?!" Holding tightly to our backpacks, we were thrown into a black vortex. 

  


*****

  
Thump. Thump. 

  
Jamie and I fell. "Where are we?" I heard her say. I slowly stood up and looked around. Rivers, mountains, light woods, flowers…and lots of rivers were ahead. It looked just like…but no…it couldn't be… 

  
FWAP! 

  
"OW! JAMIE, WHAT THE HECK WAS THAT FOR!!!!???" I screamed. 

  
"So that hurt?" she said anxiously, wielding her science folder. 

  
"YES! WHY WOULDN'T IT!?" 

  
"Stop yelling a minute, would you?" she hissed, throwing her science folder down. 

  
Then it dawned on me. 

  
"Um…Jamie? We're not dreaming." 

  
"I know. You can't be hurt in dreams or nightmares…" 

  
I was still rubbing my painful head. Mrs. Hedrick must give a buttload of work… 

  
"We're in Rivendell," I whispered, watching a little river flow by as we walked on in confusion. 

  
"What?" she squawked. 

  
"Rivendell." 

  
"What?" 

  
"RIVENDELL!" I screamed. A bird (or twenty) took flight as my voice echoed throughout the foreign landscape. 

  
"Isn't that the Elfy place?" Jamie blinked. 

  
"Yes. It's that Elfy place…" I said sarcastically. "WE'RE IN MIDDLE EARTH!" 

  
We blinked in silence for a while. "Mi-" I began to repeat. A hand was clapped over my mouth, and I almost fainted from glee. 

  
"ELVES! ELVES, JAMIE, ELVES!" is what I tried to say, but it came out sounding like "MMLS! MMLS, MMIE, MMLS!" 

  
"You are intruding on the land of Elrond Halfelven, the land of Rivendell," the taller elf (mine!) said, frowning charily. I beamed. 

  
"Mae govannae! Sut naa lle?" I said, attempting a curtsy (my attempts rewarding in toppling over at the elves feet.). Looking around, I saw 3 elves behind me, arrows raised. 2 stood in front of Jamie and me. They all appeared taken aback. "See? I knew Elf Day would come in handy!" I whispered to Jamie. She gave me a Look, one that said, "SHUT UP! If you talk anymore, they might kill you! And possibly me! Not good!" The elves conversed amongst themselves in, no surprises there, Elvish. 

  
A few minutes later, they turned to us and said: "Your fate is no longer ours to decide. We will take you to Lord Elrond, and there is where your destiny lies," the taller one said. He looked vaguely familiar… 

  
As we walked away, I realized it. 

  
"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE GLORFINDEL!" I screeched. He winced. "JAMIE! IT'S GLORFINDEL!" 

  
"I can hear you fine from right here, Chelsea," she grumbled. I did my happy hobbit dance. "We're going to Rivendell! R-I-V-E-N-D-E-L-L! GOOO RIVENDELL!" I began to cheer. 

  
"Chelsea, please, for Will Turner's sake, stop cheering," Jamie sighed. "Well, if it's for Will…" I considered, and shut up, humming "Into the West" under my breath. 

  


***** 

  
****Jamie's POV****

  
As the elves led us away, I too screamed when Chelsea did. Her screeching surprised me and after a bit of calming down, I tried to ask her a question. 

  
"Who is Glorfindel?" I whispered into her ear. More screeching. 

  
She practically yelled in my ear, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN!?" I glared at her with a look clearly telling her to "shut up". 

  


*Two Hours Later*

  
"Ugh, I mean, Argh, grossness," I sighed as we pushed through a nasty, muddy bog. Chelsea's loose-fitting flip-flops were bogging her down, so she "let 'em fly". The brown gick was oozing through her "weird" toes. It gave the impression that we had painted our toenails a gross poop-brown. 

  
All was quiet except for the mud sucking at our feet and Chelsea's muttering of, "Hehe, toenails are funny. Hehe, very funny." 

  
The elves barely got their boots dirty as they pranced over the goop. 

  
We approached the boundaries of Rivendell. 

  


***** 

  
_**Chelsea's POV**_

  
"Oh it's BEAUTIFUL!" I whispered in awe of the Elves' home. Jamie was in awe too, or she just really liked Elves. I turned to an Elf: "Do you have anywhere to wash my feet?" I wriggled my toes for emphasis, and the Elves winced in disgust. We were led inside. 

  
Joy, rapture, transient bliss. 

  
Let me just say this: the movie did not do Rivendell justice. There, everything looked very CGI. In real life, it's much prettier. I tripped several times, walking and gawking. We neared the House of Elrond, and again the elves muttered amongst themselves. 

  
"Why didn't I take that online Elfish course?! WHY?!" I fake-sobbed to Jamie. 

  
"Chelsea, you do realize we are in Middle Earth, right?" she said quietly. I nodded, and looked back down at my muddy feet, flip-flops in hand. 

  
"This is…revolting," I muttered. Jamie nodded in agreement. 

  
"Elrond will see you now," another Elf said. (Glorfindel had left…aww…he was hot too. Yes, I have a very one-track mind.). We were pushed towards a very recognizable looking garden. There were no people of any kind as Jamie and I walked forward. 

  
"This seems vaguely familiar…" I frowned. 

  
"We're going to the Council of Elrond," Jamie shrugged. 

  
"Really?!" I squeaked. 

  
"Um…I don't-" 

  
She was cut off by my squeal of, "YAY! WE'RE GOING TO MORDOR!" 

  
"Well, not technically, depending which way we take, if we are even GOING with the Fellowship…." As she talked, our guard elves reappeared. "Excuse me, Mr.…" Jamie began. 

  
"EXCUSE ME MR.! BUT I'VE BEEN WAITING IN LINE AND I'D LIKE TO BUY SOME OF YOUR TIME!" I started singing, head banging. All of them gave me quizzical looks. Ah, No Doubt. How I love thee… 

  
We were shoved into a clearing where an array of elves, dwarves, humans, and hobbits were discussing the One Ring. We had reached the Council of Elrond. 

  
Score. 

  
"Lord Elrond…" a younger (yummier) elf said, bowing low to the ground. Captain Forehead looked up. Jamie kicked me, and we bowed. 

  
"These intruders were caught off the western border…" 

  
"Hey, who are you calling an-" I stopped talking when I realized every eye in the courtyard was on me. "Umm…_mae govannae, sut naa lle?" _

  
Thank God for Elf Day, that's all I have to say. A few faces relaxed, but the others remained distrustfully stony. I looked around as Elrond and the other Elves that had brought Jamie and I here muttered in Elvish. I recognized many faces, which was odd… 

  
_Oh my god! It's Aragorn! And over there, Gandalf! Next to him, FRODO! Aww…hobbits are even cuter in real life! Boromir, a bunch of elves I don't know…This is too weird! _I thought, looking around. 

  
"Where are you from?" I heard Captain Forehead ask, his Amazing Eyebrows of Disaster arched. 

  
"America," Jamie answered before I could say anything. 

  
The murmuring started low, like a drone of bees. Steadily, it increased, until the entire place was arguing about the Ring (woah, big subject change, hmm?) 

  
"What do we do?" I hissed to Jamie. 

  
"We can't run…I have no idea where we are …or where we can go…" she said, more to herself than to me. 

  
"I have a plan!" I muttered. 

  
"Oh, no, Chelsea, no more singing, please…" 

  
As the argument continued, I screamed, "I CAN'T BREATHE!" and fell backwards. 

  
Of course, I didn't see the stone bench behind me. It connected with my head, and I blacked out. 

  


*****

  
"When we get back to our world, I am so taking your Elvish butt on Judge Judy! Your benches gave my friend a concussion!" I heard a voice yell. 

  
"Mmm…elves…" I murmured sleepily. The yelling ceased to exist, and I opened my eyes. 

  
"You're not dead, then!" Jamie smiled. Elrond was near me too, looking confused by Jamie's "Judge Judy" threat. 

  
Let me just say how big his forehead is. We're talking Enrique's mole big (before it was removed). Gargantuan big. Scarily big. So big it caused me to gawk for several minutes, and shudder. 

  
"Welcome to Rivendell," he said, massive frown lines showing. 

  
"Dude…you said that to Frodo too…" I yawned. 

  
"You are in the House of Elrond…" 

  
"I know, Halfelven. I read the books AND saw the movies," I snickered. 

  
"What?" he said, utterly bamboozled again. 

  
"She's still delusional," Jamie assured him. I looked around to see another familiar face… 

  
"Gaaanndalf?" I said stupidly, like Frodo in RotK (which yields no offense to the Frodo Fans). 

  
"Yes, I am Gandalf the Grey…" 

  
"GANDALF!" I screeched. 

  
"Chelsea…calm down…" Jamie groaned, burying her face in her hands in ignominy. 

  
"You're sooo cool! I've always wanted to meet a Wizard! And you helped Bilbo with that quest he took and the trolls and AAAAAH!" I gushed. Gandalf appeared embarrassed. He doesn't have many fangirls, you know. 

  
Gandalf and Captain Forehead left a few minutes later, after ensuring I wasn't dead. "So, spill. What happened?" I said, standing up and jumping around. Elvish medicine r0x0rs, I'll tell you that right now. 

  
"Well, I told our story to the Council while you were out, and they asked a lot of questions. Your diversion tactic worked though, and nothing changed. Well…" 

  
"But what about Legolas?" I smirked, interrupting. Jamie grinned. 

  
"10 million times better than he was in the movies. Oh, sigh, I'm in love…" 

  
"Elves have that effect on people," I nodded wisely. 

  
"Oh, and one more thing…changed, I guess you could say," Jamie said, picking up some Elvish something or other on the nightstand next to me. 

  
"Yes?" 

  
"In addition to the 9 members of the Fellowship, there are to be two more…" 

  
"Oh?" 

  
"Us." 

  
I dropped the pencil I had been using to pick out dirt under my nails (charming habit, innit?). 

  
"US?!" 

  
She nodded. 

  
"On the quest to destroy the ring?" 

  
Nod, nod. 

  
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" 

  
"Is it entirely proper for young maidens to scream so loudly in the morning?" I heard a voice from the doorway say. I felt my eyes bug out. 

  
"Shiver me timbers and call me Larry…" I whispered. 

  
It was Legolas. And yes he was 10 million times better than the movie. 

  


***** 

  
***Jamie's POV* *rewind a little***

  
I heard a voice from the doorway. 

  
"Is it entirely proper for young maidens to scream so loudly in the morning?" 

  
I wheeled around to look at the doorway, but before I could see anything, Chelsea whispered in my ear. 

  
"Shiver me timbers and call me Larry…" 

  
As I got a better look at where the voice came from, I…*thud* 

  
All I remember is the sound of Elvish boots padding on the floor and drool sliming down my cheek. 

  


*A Few Hours Later*

  
A few hours after fainting, I woke up in a place vaguely familiar to the place Frodo was kept in when he was stabbed by the Nazgul. Except this time…he was here. 

  
"Are you alright, milady?" 

  
"Now I am, if I wasn't before." 

  
"Well, that's good to hear." 

  
At this point, I've heard him speak 3 times, and it is extremely hard to keep from fainting everywhere. 

  
"Where is Chelsea?" I asked. 

  
"She is safe, my brother, Valandil is keeping her company." 

  
"Yoo-y-yo-you have a br-bro-brother?" 

  
"Yes, milady, and I shall mention he is my twin." 

  
*thud* 

  


***and yet a day later***

  
"Woah. What happened?" I questioned. 

  
"Oh my GOD! Oh my fricking GOD!" screamed Chelsea. 

  
"Woah. Slow down. Speak. I demand you tell me everything." 

  
As I looked at Chelsea's dazed expression, I got the idea that she was "out of it" to say the least. 

  
"Chelsea? Cheelllllseeeaaaa? CHELSEA?!?!" 

  
"Hmm?" 

  
"Tell me everything!" 

  
"Oh! Yeah! He is so hot! And he's got the cutest expression when he's confused or angry!!" 

  
"When is he angry? And which one? Where's Legolas?" 

  
"EEEEEEEK! Slow down. Legolas is fine, he's riding his horse, Nerion, around. And Valandil was the one that got annoyed at his horse. Originally, they were going to go together but then his horse did…something or…whatever. You should feel very lucky right now. I had to pry Leggy from your side." (OOC: Sorry, I had to…lol…) 

  
"Awww. Hehe, I can't picture that. Hey, do you know when he is returning?" 

  
"Um…he mentioned something…about that. Like, 'when the sun is highest in the sky.' I think that means noon." 

  
"Uh, yes. Okay, do you know what time it is now?" 

  
"Hmm…judging on where the sun is now I would say about 11:00." 

  
"Okay, where are they?" 

  
"I think they're getting an Elvish manicure or pedicure or something." 

  
"So how are things going between you and Valandil?" 

  
"Um…let's just say we're…close?" 

  


***** _*Chelsea's POV* *Rewind, and FREEZE!*_

  
There was a *thud* and I looked down to see Jamie, knocked out on the ground. "JAMIE!" I yelled. No response. 

  
Enter prancy elf…. #1. 

  
"Is she all right?" Legolas Greenleaf said, nudging Jamie with his boot. She muttered something about "Legolicious…", but remained out cold. 

  
"Sure! She's KNOCKED OUT, but NOT DEAD! That's all right!" I shrieked. He winced again, as he took her pulse (or something. I never was good at that medical mumbo jumbo), and picked her up. 

  
"Come. We must get her to a place so she can rest," he said, striding towards the door. Come? What am I, a dog? Use my name at least, pompous elf. 

  
I mimicked his prancy style of walking. 

  
A few minutes later, we stopped in yet another room where I saw two beds, numerous Elvish clothes, and Jamie's and my backpack. 

  
"This is where you will be staying until our leave," he smiled (in the movie or books he never smiles. How freaky is that?), sitting down by Jamie. I walked around, picking up random, beautiful dresses. 

  
"I never quite managed to acquire the full story about what's going on," I said, stopping my pacing and looked at Legolas, "You're Legolas, right?" 

  
He nodded. "Yes, milady." 

  
"Don't call me that. Call her-", I pointed to Jamie, "-that! My name is Chelsea, thank you very much." 

  
"Very well, Chelsea. I take it you know about the Ring?" I nodded. "…And the Fellowship?" I nodded again. "Lord Elrond has said we must destroy the ring. We are to set off in two months, more or less. The original fellowship was to be 9, but since you two have come, our total is eleven. It is likely we will perish in the quest, but if it will save the world, so be it." 

  
Gag, gag. I hate pep talks. Most of the time. 

  
It was silent as Legolas gazed (Ahaha.) at Jamie. 

  
"Her name is Jamie Kahne, she's a Scorpio, loves to run and loves poles, can HTML, loves Simple Plan, and Orlando Bloom. But you don't need to worry about him. He's taken," I grimaced. Legolas seemed beyond the Valley of Befuddlement and into the Sea of Confusion. "Go for her," I whispered, winking. 

  
"Humans are very… forward…" he frowned. 

  
"Yeah! Tell that to Aragorn, who's making out with Arwen any time Daddy isn't there!" I chortled. 

  
"Are all future girls so…strange?" he questioned. 

  
"Where have you been, Eggo?! Of COURSE NOT!" 

  
"Well, that's a relief…" he sighed. 

  
"I'm off to explore Dude-You're-Getting-A-Dell. Send word it the Elf-Fancier wakes up, alrighty?" I said, putting on my now cleaned shoes. There was no response as I left, shutting the door. 

  


*****

  
"Well, the first Elf I want to stalk would be Elladan, but he and his brother aren't here…Elrond would be fun. But he'd banish me or something…and I don't wanna die! Maybe Glorfindel… yes, Glorfindel!" I muttered to myself as I paced along the paths of Rivendell. 

  
"Or maybe hobbits. I haven't seen any of them ye-OW!" I felt something crash into me. I looked down to see… 

  
Merry and Pippin! Aww! 

  
"My most dear and beloved hobbits! I cried, bending down so I was eye level. They appeared terrified. 

  
"W-w-what are you?" Merry stuttered. I smiled. 

  
"You're so cute in real life! I'm Chelsea, Queen of the Twilight Zone!" I said, extending my hand. Pippin shakily stuck out his own, and we shook, a smile warming his face. (*touches Pippin's face* OW! It's hot!). 

  
"Pippin Took. And this is…" 

  
"Meriadoc "Merry" Brandybuck!" I smiled. 

  
"How do you know my name?" he said suspiciously. I laughed airily and patted his head. 

  
"Oh my young hobbit, I know ALL! Now that I've met you two, my day is complete! Have a nice stroll!" I said, bowing and hobbit-dancing away. 

  
"I met hobbits! Oh joy! Oh rapture! Oh-" THUNK! "OW! Who is it THIS time!?" I said, extremely annoyed, rubbing my nose, which had crashed into someone's upper body. 

  
"Excuse me, milady…" I heard a voice say. 

  
"Why is everything "milady" around here?! Can't you just delete it from your vocabulary!?" I ranted. See what happens when people crash into me/vice versa? Yes. Watch the Evil Master of Evilness expose itself. I looked up, aggravated. 

  
My eyes widened again. 

  
"Who are you?" I whispered. 

  
The most gorgeous, beautiful, and above all else HOT Elf was standing in front of me. He kinda looked like Legolas, only better…He laughed. 

  
"I am Valandil, son of Thranduil. I was looking for someone called Chelsea-", he looked at me intently, "-Are you she?" I nodded, mouth slightly agape. "Word comes from Mithrandir that you and your companion, Jamie, are to see him in two days time for information on the Quest you are about to embark on…" 

  
"At what time?" 

  
"8 o'clock in the morning." 

  
I almost fell over. "YEEEEEEP! 8AM?! THAT'S EARLY!!! What about breakfast?!" 

  
"You may congregate in the Breakfast Hall prior to your meeting, or it will be served to your room when you call for it." 

  
"Ooh. Room service…"I considered this. "That's alright then, I suppose. Oh, and Valandil?" 

  
"Yes, milady?" _Grr, what did I say about that word?! MY NAME IS CHELSEA!!! CHELSEA!!!!!_

  
"Are you single?" He gave me a quizzical look. 

  
"Single…?" 

  
"Girlfriend? Engaged? Married?" I clarified. 

  
"Oh, no…why, interested?" he smirked. 

  
_Yes, yes, yes!! Take me to Nepal, you hot, sexy, hot of elf you!_… is what I wanted to say. But instead, I just said, "Maybe…" and walked away… 

  
It was growing dark, so I decided to prance on back to my/Jamie's room. When I arrived, I saw Leggy was still by the still unconscious fangirl. 

  
"Legolas?!" I hissed. He looked up. "What in the name of Tolkien are you still doing here?!" 

  
"Waiting for her to wake up," he said simply. 

  
"Well, that's sweet and all, but you see, I'm tired. can you please leave and come back tomorrow?" With your uber hot brother, I added silently. 

  
"Can you tell her I will return when the sun is highest in the sky?" Legolas said, stealing one last look at Jamie. 

  
"Yeah, yeah. Now scram, my Elvish chipmunk!" I said, ushering him out of the door. Sleep…is what I did. 

  


*****

  
The next day, Jamie was still asleep/unconscious. Oh the power of love…after pulling on a blue Elvish dress (with a corset! WEEEEEEEE!), I strolled out for a spot of breakfast. 

  
I don't know what Elizabeth Swann was thinking, but corsets aren't that bad. Maybe it wasn't tight enough or something…but I didn't faint. Chelsea, 1. Elizabeth, 0. 

  
Halfway to what I thought to be the breakfast hall, I encountered the Mirkwood princes. I walked past, head held high, the prime paradigm of an English noble lady. 

  
"Hello, my fair Elvish twins. How art thee today?" I said in an English accent. Bizarre looks ensued. 

  
"She's a bit touched, isn't she?" I heard Legolas mutter to his brother. 

  
Teehee. 

  
"Well, I'm off to the Breakfast, so TA!" I said, bounding off. 

  
"She's so…" 

  
"Strange?" Legolas supplied. 

  
"No…" 

  
But I didn't get to hear the last word. Curse you hunger, curse youuu! 

  


*****

  
I ambled around for a while longer later that day, still eyeing the beautiful Elvish architecture. Jamie was probably awake by now, but I found I didn't want to go back to an enclosed space. Even if it did have a portico. 

  
As I walked around (and almost got lost more than "a few" times), I found myself near some stables. Very nice Elvish stables, might I add. Quite a number of horses were housed there, big ones, little ones, brown, black…etc., etc… 

  
It was about 3 o'clock I guessed. I looked at my watch and saw I was right! "Woo, hoo! Score one for my team!" I cheered. I heard raised voices, and ignoring the lovely proverb "Curiosity killed the cat", moseyed in. 

  
It was the Twin Gods of Hotness. The Greenleaf Twin Gods of Hotness. I stood and gawked for a minute behind a tree. 

  
I didn't really understand what was going on, because I am not a horsey person, therefore do not get horsey terms. But the large and short of it was that Valandil's horse was being athletically challenged. I stepped out from behind the tree and watched, amused. 

  
"So finally the mysterious girl of the Future reveals herself," Valandil grinned. 

  
Don't faint, Maynarde. Don't do it… 

  
"You knew I was here?" I said incredulously. 

  
"Of course. You're not exactly inconspicuous, you know," Legolas smiled from atop his horse (Nelion), a purdy white one with a black nose(Dear God, this was not the books or movie. He never has any emotion in there…). 

  
"Erm." Wow, I'm such a conversationalist. 

  
"My brother and I-" Valandil glared at his brother. Teehee, sibling rivalry is fun… "-Were about to go riding, but my horse-", he glared at his horse, "-will not comply with my wishes." 

  
Trying not to burst out laughing was very, very hard. 

  
"Aren't you Elf-kind? Can't you be all "ooh, look at me, I'm magic!"?" I said, miming with my hands being…magic. Oh, Lord…I'm not the shiniest Diet Coke can in the fridge. 

  
"I would, but I find it works best to train your animal to trust you, and not your "magic"," he said. The horse eventually moved, but not after many exciting facial expressions had been done by Legolas and Valandil, Twin Gods of Hotness. 

  
"I know originally, it was to only be us brothers, but would you like to join us?" Valandil offered from his horse (Nolion. Black. All black. Dear God, even his HORSE was cool.). 

  
Without a moment's pause, I accepted (Even after considering I was "acting a Mary Sue". Stop accusing me!). Valandil dismounted and got me a horse (chestnut with a white tail and legs. WEEE!), and we set off. 

  
I never said I was much of a rider. 

  
After I had fallen off several times, we set off. 

  
There. Much better. 

  


*****

  
After the "exciting" horse ride (meaning I had almost died myriad times and made a complete fool out of myself in front of Twin Gods of Hotness), I walked back to Jamie's/my room. Jamie had finally awoken. Turns out she had woken up once before to Eggo. Sigh. 

  
So after talking and a bit of lying (*twitch, twitch*), she asked the life-altering question… 

  
"So how are things between you and Valandil?" she asked. 

  
I considered my answer. We had talked a lot that day… and learned about him and the other Twin God of Hotness. But…I really didn't know… 

  
"Um…let's just say…" pause, pause. "…we're… close?" 

  
"Oh? Like how?" 

  
"I'll never tell! Bwahahahahha!" I cackled. 

  
Oh, the irony. 

  


*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*

  
**A/N- *wipes away a tear* I'm so proud. It gets better (or worse, depending on how you look at it...). I promise. The first chapter's always the hardest! **

  
And I'm not quite sure...but I've had two very reliable sources inform me Leggy isn't an only child. *cackles* Oh, the irony. So yes, my co-writer and I gave him a twin. A very hot twin. AHAHAHAHA! 

  
So, what did you think? I need your honest opinion! REVIEW! 


	2. The Importance of Botox

**A/N- No OOC this time. I'm hyper-spazzing right now. Over Ned Kelly...holy crap, I love Scottish accents. Weeheehee. Orlando is so freaking hot in there... I LURVE JOE! And Geoffrey Rush is in it too, and I think he is one of the greatest actors of all time. And I'm going to the beach tomorrow! Weeheehee! Can you say "POTC FANGIRL!?" Oh, boy. I actually feel bad for the other people there. **

Moving on... 

Disclaimer- (refer to last chapter.)

Chapter Two 

*Jamie's POV* 

"Um…let's just say...we're…close?" 

"Oh? Like how?" 

"I'll never tell! BWAHAHAHAH!" Chelsea cackled. 

I got out of bed, dressed myself in an Elvish, corset type dress, and went to eat. 

"God, I'm starving!" I muttered to Chelsea. 

"Well, I suppose you should be! You haven't eaten in almost 2 days!" 

"Woah, that long? I guess I was just too shocked with everything that's been happening." 

Chelsea and I tripped, literally tripped, into the dining hall and sat ourselves down. 

***a few minutes later***

I tried to eat as gracefully as I could. I mean, I didn't want to leave a bad impression. I picked up what looked like bred and nibbled at it. 

"Yum, what is this?" I questioned Chelsea. Before she could answer… 

"Lllleeemmmmbbbaaaas…elvishh waaaaaaaybread." (A/N- inside joke, lol). 

"Squee! You have returned!" 

Again, I am trying very hard not to faint. 

"I have never left. I am Valandil, son of Thranduil, brother of Legolas, Prince of Mirkwood." 

"Chelsea, I'm feeling better. I'm going to walk around a bit. I'll leave you two to talk." 

As I walked through the Elven-designed courtyard, I took in Rivendell's beauty. But before I got too absorbed in it, I ran back inside the food hall. I searched for Valandil to speak to him. I ran/pranced up to him. 

"Valandil, I'm sorry Chelsea, but do you know where Legolas is?" 

"Yes, he mentioned going to your bedside when he returned, about 20 minutes ago." 

I ran into the quarters where we were living, and saw a sobbing Eggolas. (OOC: Heehee). 

I thought, "NOOO! If he's sad and his heart is breaking, he will die! I must make it better" (OOC: That sounded so gay…"I must make it better!" lol. Sry about OOCs btw.) 

I crept up behind him and laid my hand on his shoulder. He looked up at me with his beautiful blue eyes. 

"You lingered!" 

"Uhh…yes, I did." 

***** 

_*Chelsea's POV**rewind again*_

So after the whole Elvish Prince encounter, and the Jamie-talk, we went to breakfast. I picked up a plate of food while Jamie settled for lembas. 

"You can't Denethor-eat lembas, Jamie," I whispered as she nibbled at the bread. 

"I'm not going to Denethor eat this…what is this?" 

Before I could answer "Human innards.", I heard a voice behind me say "Lembas! Elvish waybread!" Jamie's eyes were bugging out of her head at my Elvish hunk o' looove! 

"Squee! You have returned!" 

Oh, back off, biatch. He's mine. 

An involuntary growl sounded from the back of my throat. 

"I have never left. I am Valandil, son of Thranduil, brother of Legolas, prince of Mirkwood," Valandil said, bowing. I had the strong urge to yell: "SOVERIGN OF ALLL ENGLAND!" 

But I didn't. 

"Chelsea, I'm feeling better. I'm going to walk around for a bit. I'll leave you two to…talk," she said, flying out of the hall. 

It was silent as I sullenly consumed my food. What my sullenness was for was a mystery…even to me. I'm just not a morning person. 

Jamie entered and exited once, trying to find out the whereabouts of her Elvish hunk o' looove. She's such a PEF it's not even funny. 

I heard the scraping of a chair and looked up from my (quite delicious) breakfast. 

"You're still here?" I said sardonically (ooh, good word). 

He smirked: "And what –may I ask- has you so acrimonious this morning?" 

"Igpay atinlay," I answered. His look of confusion was yummy. 

"Igpay…atinlay?" he repeated uncertainly. "Are all girls from the future so… deranged?" 

Oooh. You do not say something like that to a Non-Morning Person. Ok, people, are we ready for a World War? 

"You sound a lot like your older brother now," I shot back, standing up quickly and taking my plate back to the kitchens (an unnecessary gesture, as a maid would have collected it moments before. But I needed to get away from the hostile-ness.) 

It wasn't until I reentered I saw the look of disbelief and childlike innocence etched into the so-called perfect being's face I realized my mistake. 

"Valandil, I'm so…" I began to say before, without a sound, he disappeared from my sight. 

*****

"JAMIEEEEEEEE!" I wailed, barging into our room. She and Legolas looked up at me, both smiling. Their displays of delight fell at my face. I sniffled: " I can see I'm not wanted here. Goodbye, cruel world!" I sobbed dramatically before slouching out of the room. 

"WAIT!" I heard two voices call out at once. I froze. 

"I'll meet you when we dine," Legolas said, bowing slightly to the both of us and prancing out of the hallway. 

Jamie sighed: "All right, spill." 

"HE HATES ME!" I wailed. Another sigh, and a distinct mutter of "Drama Queen." 

"Why does he hate you? Who is he?" 

I sniffled again. "I have not the heart to tell you. For me, the grief is still too near," I said (in a near perfect impersonation of Legolas), turning and trudging down the hall. I heard Jamie sigh (for the bazillionth time) and her footsteps faded in the opposite direction. 

Elf fancier. 

I ran into a maid, who dropped the clothes she had been carrying. Or almost dropped, because, as we all know, Elves aren't clumsy. 

"Excuse me, milady," she said, curtseying. 

"Oh, don't worry about me, I'm just a girl!" I cried. 

The it clicked. The maid seemed scared at my smirking face. 

"Oh, I'M JUST A GIRL! LITTLE OL' ME! WELL DON'T LET ME OUT OF YOUR SIGHT!!" I began to sing in my rendition of No Doubt's "Just a Girl". The maid scurried off, terrified. I sniffed. "I'm just trying to turn Middle Earth into a musical!" 

Walking along the paths of Rivendell held only restlessness. No one was out, the normally busy walkways empty. I wandered over to a river with a weeping willow on the side. I smiled. A crying tree; how ironic. I sat by it, and the river's water soothed me to sleep. 

***

"Milady…milady…" I felt someone shaking me. IT WAS A MURDERER! 

"YEARGH!" I yelled, taking the poor soul's hand and flinging him/her/it into the river. The now soaked Future-King-of-Gondor was glaring at me in the water. "Um…hee, hee…sorry?" 

He growled. GROWLED! This, of course, led to nothing but succeeding in cracking me up. 

"Um…Chelsea?" Jamie said apprehensively. I turned around to see Jamie and the Elf Princes of Mirkwood. 

"Yoooooouuuuuu!" I said (trying to imitate the Dolphin in _Let Me Hear You Whisper_), pointing at Valandil. 

"Me," he smirked. 

Legolas showed no emotion except for a miniscule snicker. Valandil glared at him, Jamie snickered, and Aragorn glared at everyone from the water. I was intrigued by the Eggo/ Pickle fight that was staring. 

"IN THE RIGHT, WE HAVE LEGOLAS THE BONNY LASS, FROM MIRKWOOD!" I cried, grabbing a stick as my microphone. Legolas shot me the Evil-Glare-of-Doom. 

"In the left, we have Valandil from…BRAZIL! Brother to the bonny lass!" A combo Glare-of-Death, and confusion. Jamie snickered again. 

"They will be participating in MEWF's Elvish Smackdown!" Jamie sniggered. Legolas shot her a look that plainly said, "HELP ME!" Jamie sighed and signaled Legolas towards the water to help a sulking, soaking Aragorn. 

"Erm, Aragorn, my lord, I'm so sor-" I started to say. 

He replied in what was a less than noble response. With a final heave, Legolas and Jamie pulled Strider out of the water. He shook like a wet dog, sending water everywhere (mainly on me). 

"AIEEE!" I shrieked. "IT'S COLD! GAH! VERY COLD!!!" 

Jamie rolled her eyes. "It's the middle of December. What do you expect?" 

Aragorn scowled. 

"Dude, keep that up and you'll have frown lines like Elrond. Maybe a few rounds of Botox would clear it up, but there's none of that in Middle Earth…"I pondered, walking around. 

"Chelsea! There's more urgent things to tend to!" Jamie sighed. 

"But Botox is important…" I countered. 

"Perhaps we should lead Lord Aragorn back into the main center of Rivendell before he…worsens," Legolas said with a quick glance at Jamie. She nodded, and they turned to leave. 

"STRIDER! I'm really sorry! I'll even give you a piece of gum later!" I called out. 

"And that's a major complement. She never parts with her gum," Jamie muttered to Aragorn as they walked away. 

So now I was left in a dark part of Rivendell with the one Elf I was sure wanted me dead. He was gazing off into space, his face holding that supreme expression that all elves detain. The one that made me feel insignificant, small, and above all else, ashamed. 

"Valandil…" I whispered. He looked at me. "I'm…sorry…" I managed to say, before dashing off. 

I was never really one for climbing trees. But somehow, I managed to get to the top of a particularly tall one. It showed the view clear over Rivendell, and a clear, cold sky. 

"You're a horrible person, Chelsea Maynarde. You're never going home, and you insulted your Elf. You have no idea where the frick you are, and are probably going to be killed by a reeking orc." 

Only two months had passed. Two months since I had last seen home…and who knows if I ever would again? 

A face loomed over mine and I nearly screamed. Or fell out of the tree. One of the above. 

"Why do you run?" Valandil whispered. 

He was an inch away from my face. AN INCH. I almost collapsed until I looked down. If I did faint, I'd fall, and if I fell, SPLAT! No more me. And no one to censor Jamie and Legolas. 

"I insulted you," was all I could conjure up to say. 

He laughed sadly. "It's all part of the past now. There's no sense in regretting what cannot be taken back." 

"But…" 

"You're already forgiven." 

Think floor, think floor. Don't fall. Don't _splat. _

"Why did you and the others come looking for me?" 

"You were gone for half of a day. Your friend, and myself, were worried. We enlisted Aragorn's help, but it seemed that me…startled you," he smiled. 

I laughed faintly. "Will he ever stop hating me for the River Incident?" 

"It is likely. Aragorn is a good man. He doesn't hold grudges against his friends well," Valandil replied. Ahaha, I'm Aragorn's friend. 

"It seems like all I do is cause trouble around here. I wish I could help in some way…" 

Valandil took my face in his hands. 

Ok. You can kill me now, and I'll die happy. 

"I can tell you will have a part to portray in your upcoming quests. For the better." 

I swear, my heart stopped then. He jumped down and signaled for me to jump too. I did, and he caught me (woah.). 

As we walked back, he began to speak again. "I think from now on, I shall call you Valawen. It is a suitable Elvish name for you," he smiled. 

Quelle coincidence. That was my Elf Day name. This was getting uber Twilight Zone. 

"Thank you. It's beautiful," I grinned. Valandil bowed mockingly. 

"I bade you good night, Lady Valawen. May our paths cross again soon," he said, with a glint in his eye. 

"Only if luck shines on me, gentle sir," I said, curtseying in my dress (which I had worn jeans under. I couldn't forsake the denim.). He smiled and turned back to his quarters. I positively flew back to my room. 

*****

THUD. That's what it sounds like when an Obsessive Elf Fancier runs into a wall. 

"Oh, crap! Chelsea, are you all right?!" Jamie said frantically, eyebrows raised. I giggled like a maniac. 

"Yes!!" 

"Spill. What happened?" she said, helping me to my feet. I proceeded to tell my Adventures of Elf-Boy the Great. She grinned: 

"Kismet, with the name and all. Creepy almost." 

"Yes, yes. So, where's Legolas?" said, pulling my pajamas out of the Elvish dresser and walking towards the (beautiful!) bathroom. 

"Um…dunno," she smirked. Uh, oh. Jamie never smirks…save for at evil pencils. 

"What happened? It's your turn to "spill"," I said dryly. 

"Oh, nothing…" she said in a highly suspicious tone of voice. 

And when someone says something like that, nothing is something…. 

*****

**A/N- Woo hoo! Yeep… this chapter wasn't very funny. Well, there were a few parts, I suppose. The majority was drama. I like drama...but maybe it isn't right for this fic...Anyway, I'm really fickle about stories, I've noticed that lately. But this one I like! Gasp, horrors, and shock! **

zeldagrl436- Score! Reviewer numero uno! Thank you! 

Insane Stalkers- OMG STEFOLA! STEPHO! You people need to post your fangirlism story up ASAP, or else I'll sic something on you. GO WRITE! NOW! 

Kanika- Hey, co-writer! I am Maynarde. That is my last name. *shifty eyes* 

Keep reviewing! Reviews make me happy! They inspire me to post! They inspire Jamie to nag me to type and HTML the newest chapter! So REVIEW! 


	3. Blame the Emo

**A/N...in place of an OOC YET AGAIN!- Well, not much to say...THANK YOU TO THE REVIEWERS! I love you guys! begins throwing out random LotR and PotC merchandise School's almost over, so hopefully posting will be a bit more often...Finals and stuff and taking up a lot of time. On to Chapter Three! Wootness! **

Chapter 3 

Jamie's POV 

The door flew open. 

THUD. 

"Oh, crap! Chelsea, are you alright!?" I questioned her as I looked on. 

"YES!" she screamed with apparent glee. 

**After a long talk**

"What happened? Okay, it's your turn to spill," Chelsea directed at me. I practically whispered the words, "oh…nothing." 

"And what does "Oh, nothing" stand for?" she quizzically said as she smirked at me. 

(OOC: God, I suck at anything mysterious). 

I tried to understand the sharp glare of inquisition in Chelsea's eyes, but it wasn't easy. 

"WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?!" 

"Nothing is always something," she muttered. 

I cracked. 

(OOC: Writer's block. Grr. Hehe, pirate pen…grr, I hate writer's block. I hate a lot of things.) 

As I was about to get into a long conversation, Legolas and Valandil entered the room. 

Chelsea shrieked at the sight of Valandil and shoved her pajamas back into the dressed. The quick slam of the drawer caused the delicate handle to come off. She screeched again. 

"OH MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY! YOU …_startled_…ME!!" She gave a little chuckle after that. Valandil shifted his weight and shrugged. 

"S'okay. Never liked it anyways. Fogetta 'bout it." 

I almost exploded from laughter. 

Both princes got an amazingly hot confused face, and Chelsea joined my laughter. 

Chelsea barely managed to say: "Wow, memories of my love for Will." 

Confuzelledness. (OOC: lol) 

After what seemed like hours of laughing, Chelsea blurted out to Legolas: "So, what's going on between you and Jamie?" 

My face turned red with embarrassment. 

Legolas actually laughed and replied: "You'll see soon enough." 

Chelsea's expression made me want to say, in a sardonic voice, of course, "Who's confuzelled now?!" 

_Chelsea's POV_

"We just came to tell you that Lord Elrond has commanded departure of your quest tomorrow morning," Valandil said, still bemused at our laughing fit. 

"We will return tomorrow morning at 7 o'clock. Good night," Legolas said soberly. I kicked Jamie discreetly. 

"What?!" she snapped. 

"You're drooling," I hissed. 

Jamie wiped her mouth. "Ewww…" 

The two Elvish twins turned to go. "WAIT!" I yelled. They stopped and turned back around. I walked up to them and began to sing… 

_"Come on babe _

Why don't we paint the town? 

And all that jazz? 

I'm gonna rouge my knees and roll my stockings down 

…And all that jazz!" 

Jamie and I received more strange looks as we fell down from laughing so hard. "See ya later, sweet cheeks!" I choked out in the Chicago Mafia tone of voice. Tears began to fall from our mirth. 

"Who would have thought it? Elves are part of the Mafia?" Jamie sighed wiping her eyes. This succeeded in cracking us up further. 

_I was back home at last. Or was I? I was in between the two dimensions…Middle Earth and my home. I wavered between the two, uncertain where to jump…until the rock I had been standing on broke. I was falling into the darkness until a hand grasped mine. I was pulled back on land. In Middle Earth, with Valandil by my side. _

"Will you stay with me?" he asked, my hands still in his. Without realizing it, I nodded. He took my face in his hands and leaned closer…. 

"Chelsea! GET UP!" Jamie screeched. 

"Mmph." 

"Chelsea, we're late! It's 6:45!" 

Late my butt. You just woke me up from a really, really, really good dream… I pulled several blankets and 3 pillows over my head. All sound was muffled. I heard frustrated footsteps stomp out of the room. Ah, yes…reclaim my sleep… 

No sooner had I drifted off, I heard two pairs of feet stomp in. 

"Lady Chelsea, it's time to leave…"I heard Legolas say, trying to pry a pillow off my head. 

"SNURF!" I grunted, wrapping the blankets closer to me. 

"Chelsea, please?" Jamie pleaded. 

"Bleagot." 

I heard muttering and more pairs of feet entered. 

"Lady of the River, our quest is nigh. Please awaken," I heard Aragorn say. 

"Carag." 

"Come, Red Haired Girl from a distant land! There's …erm… "shiny stuff" out here!" Boromir snickered. Like shiny items are going to make me get up. Frodo and Sam tried to get me up to no avail. 

I was serious about my inability to get up in the morning. 

I felt someone shake me, and nearly got up, but my fatigue was greater. 

"Valawen, you have you go…" Valandil whispered. Ooh…my desire to glomp almost overrode my desire to sleep. Still, no avail. 

"My lords, and ladies, you have a half hour to 8 o' clock. I suggest you hasten your pace," some Elf said. I heard two pairs of feet exit (obviously, Merry and Pippin weren't up either). Muttering ensued. I heard someone open the door, and the next thing I knew, I was on the floor. Cursing at the wizard in nonsense followed. The entire Fellowship (save for the hobbits), and Valandil of course, was in my and Jamie's room. I stood up, still wrapped in a blanket, and glared at them all. 

"You shall pay…" I hissed, trying to impersonate Samara in _The Ring_. Jamie shooed them out as I shuffled to the bathroom to start getting ready. 

10 minutes later, I emerged in a dark green Elvish tunic that was feminine, but not so much that I couldn't walk. It laced up to my neck, where it kind of "v-necked", and the top went down to my knees, like a dress, over brown pants. Very odd, but pretty. Two Elvish maids came in to tie Jamie's and my hair up in complicated updos that would keep out of the way when kicking Orc butt. At 8:10, we left our room for the last time; lugging everything we owned in new Elvish bags (they were light, and very big. They carried much, but didn't affect the weight. Would come in handy very often…). 

After breakfast and final preparations, we had an hour to say goodbye to Rivendell. I walked along another small river (Jamie had taken the main paths). Stealthily and silently, Valandil fell into my step. 

"So you're not coming?" I said quietly. 

He shook his head. "Father will need someone to aid him in Mirkwood." 

I stopped, "This is goodbye, then." 

"We will meet soon. I'll always be watching over the Fellowship," he smiled sadly. My watch informed me it was noon, therefore time to leave. 

"Goodbye, Valandil," I whispered. (Subliminal messaging- _SNOG ME!!! SNOG ME WITHIN AN INCH OF MY LIFE, YOU FOOL!_) He grinned once more and pressed my hand to his lips. 

"Until we meet again," he said. 

The Fellowship was gathered by the exit of Rivendell. After many tearful farewells, we began walking. I had turned for my last look at Rivendell. 

What I saw was one Elvish prince, smiling sadly and waving regally. A tear fell, but I disguised it, as we turned left as the Fellowship of the Ring. United, or we would fall. I waved back as we left. 

"Until we meet again." 

**A/N- Erm….it was the emo? dodges random objects thrown at Authorette EEEEP! I'm sorry! I got a bit sappy there…but Valandil will be out of the picture soon. And the parodyishness will continue. And there will be much rejoicing. Huzzah. **

Come on people, REVIEW! What do I have to do, hire a mascot? locks eyes with the Twin Gods of Hottness… 

REVERT INTO STORY MODE! (as screenplay isn't allowed. Grr.)

The Authorette steps out from behind her computer, spotting her prey. Legolas and Valandil are by a tree, drinking Fruit Punch Powerade. 

"What a lovely day it is, isn't it boys…?" the Authorette cackles merrily. 

"Oh, Valar…run. Save yourself, brother. I will deal with this caffeine high fangirl," Valandil says bravely. 

"Ah, but you forgot my minions…" The Authorette continues, snapping her fingers. Hordes of fangirls miraculously appear. The Twin Gods of Hottness try to run…but the fangirls tackle them…and the Authorette pulls out a burlap sack… 

The Authorette stands, handing out $20s to the fangirls. "Thank you for your help. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you." 

Yet another Day Later

Leggy and Valandil are standing by the road, wearing a chicken costume (Leggy) and a giant Diet Coke can costume (Valandil). They halfheartedly hold up signs, stating "REVIEW THE FIC OR ELSE WE'LL BE FORCED TO STAND OUT HERE LIKE THIS FOREVER!" 

The Authorette and Jamie appear. 

"Here. Take this sign," Jamie smiles. 

"Oh, Valar…" 

What did the sign say, may you ask? 

"REVIEW THE STORY AND THE TWIN GODS OF HOTNESS WILL BE FORCED TO RUN AROUND SHIRTLESS!" 

And now a word from our sponsors…

REVIEW! REVIEW! REVIEW! 

End Story Mode

Teehee…I love being hyper at night. 

Stepho- My God…I love your review. I LOVE THE RANDOM VOICE! huggles random voice Yeah…um…maybe because #1…I write waaay too much. And #2… Strikes are powerful things. "I'M NOT WRITING ANY MORE UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT MEANS!" "I'M NOT WRITING ANY MORE UNTIL YOU WRITE 4 PAGES!" Madness. Sheer madness. "…"s aren't overused. It's better than using just a "." After everything. I'm so glad you like this! Our one faithful reviewer…you and Stefola…tear. Random Hot Elves roxor. Just wait until Lorien…just wait until Lorien…cackles 

Cosmos Senshi- SCORE! A reviewer travelling from the far reaches of LFAMSOM! That looks kinda freaky...anyways, yeah, it's called "Fangirl" for a reason...lol. THANK YOU FOR REVIEWING! 

Um…yeah. Next chapter will be up soon. Thanks for reading. 


	4. And So Begins Our Noble Quest

_Chapter Four_

**/Jamie's POV **

As we set our on our Quest from Rivendell, to lighten the mood Legolas started singing in a slow voice. I didn't recognize the song, but does anything Legolas say make sense…? 

I stayed by his side throughout the first day, for I knew not how to get to Mordor. And besides, who wouldn't love being close to him? 

_Oh, my…his ears are so CUTE_!, I thought to myself. 

As the day moved on and so did we, Chelsea moped along in a sullen face all day. Departing from Rivendell had clearly taken its toll on her. I can't imagine leaving Legolas. 

I dropped back from Legolas' side, picking my way over rocks and other stuff, to where Valawen sulked. 

"Are we elves? I mean, you have an Elvish name and I'll adopt mine from Elf Day…Hehe, Amaürea sounds funny, but I like it. And we both love Valandil and Legolas in our own little way, so…" I rambled on. 

"Do me a favor? Shut up," she said in a very firm voice. 

"O.O…" I looked on totally bewildered. "Val- oh, never mind," I whispered as I left her company. 

-----

"Today…", I thought, "…is a good day to meet the others." No sooner had I said that, crowding around me were four little hobbits. 

"Aww…little Samwise," I said as I tigged the one next to Frodo. Pippin, or Peregrin, and Meriadoc jumped on my arm and pulled on it. For little beings, they were rather heavy. 

"Pip, this one's stronger than we thought!" Merry shouted to his cousin as they struggled to bring me to the ground. 

"And what do you plan on doing to me after you've pulled me down?" I said in a hysterical voice. I was laughing so much they were able to pull me down. 

-----

-Chelsea's POV-

Our quest began with energy. Gandalf, Frodo, and Sam were in the very front, with Boromir, Gimli, Merry, and Pippin following. Legolas and Jamie were towards the back, and I was as far in back as Aragorn would allow. I tried reasoning. I tried begging. I tried threatening. But nothing worked. So I began to sulk. 

"And so begins our journey on this bleak Christmas day!" Jamie announced cheerfully. A few smiles were given, but as my petulance settled, I could barely manage. 

As we walked through the wilderness, I grew darker. For many reasons too… 

One- I was woken up at the ungodly hour of 7AM. 

Two- The quest was deadly and there was no way of escaping that conclusion. 

Three- I was really hungry and craving caffeine. 

Four- It was excruciatingly cold! 

Yes, the list goes on for another hundred reasons. And of course, I had no Elvish companion. Super superficial, I know, but not only was he hot, I had fun talking with him too. Fricking Elf hotness. 

The day persisted. Frodo seemed lightly troubled (as did Sam), Gandalf was humming the Walking Song, Boromir and Aragorn lost in thought, Merry and Pippin singing softly or "tigging" each other, Gimli rambling on about "HIS AXE!", and Legolas thinking while Jamie stared, often tripping over a rock. 

It occurred to be that there was a lot of thinking going on, so I might as well join in. 

Around 5PM, Jamie ran back to walk with me (stumbling over a rock or two). "Are we elves? I mean, you have an Elvish name, and…" 

That's about when I tuned out. Not to be rude, mind you, but I knew if I kept listening, I would: 

A. Burst into tears, or 

B. Turn into Uber Biznitch. 

So Jamie's blathering turned into something hike this: 

"BzzzzzzzzzzzzzzadoptbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzElfDaybzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzAmaüreabzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzlove Valandil…" 

PANG! A strong pain hit me, and it was not an enemy arrow. Valandil…when Jamie uttered that, UberBiznitch went into full control. 

"…In our own little way, so…" 

"Do me a favor? Shut up," I said, trying to close my throat off from screaming. Jamie's face took on a surprised and confused look. 

"Val-oh, never mind…" she said softly, walking back to Legolas. It wasn't until I saw her laugh and him smile like he never had before I realized how alone I was…and once again, I started to cry. Or try to. My mind and my tear ducts are vastly different things. Three tears slipped by until my mind built a Hoover Dam. 

"Stop it," I silently scolded myself, beginning to hasten my pace. 

"It's about time," I heard Aragorn mutter. A smile broke free despite my wishes. 

_Well if I don't have my hot Elf, I'll refuse to mope like a Mary Sue, and take CHARGE!_, my mind commanded joyously. I began walking faster still, and STRONGER! I was fangirl, hear me roar! But a minute later, my pace slowed. 

_He's a beautatious prince and probably has beautatious Elf women fawning over him. YOU HAVE NO CHANCE!_, my evil mind laughed. 

"Shut UP!" I growled. Aragorn looked at me, eyebrows raised. "Inner demons," I offered. 

"Ah." 

And so we walked, or more correctly, trudged. The hobbits were barely awake, and everyone else (save for Gandalf, Aragorn, and Legolas) was beginning to show signs of fatigue. I glanced at my watch: 5:43AM. We had been walking for 13 hours. 

Gandalf refused to stop until we were going slower than snails and getting nowhere. The faintest bits of dawn were fingering the sky. When we did stop it was by a large rock, which provided shelter and camouflage. By this time, Valandil had drifted to the back of my mind. My feet ached. I scarcely made it to the back of the rock before my legs gave out. Using my pack as a pillow (not too squishy), I fell asleep within seconds. 

Our watch (Legolas… claiming he wasn't tired) woke everyone 6 and a quarter hours later. I sat up and saw Jamie nearby, rubbing her eyes. I yawned. 

"Jamie?" 

She looked over, curiously wary. 

"I'm sorry about yesterday…" 

She smiled: "Hey, as they say in Jamaica, "No problem, mon!"" 

I laughed, "And so begins Day Two of our epic journey…" 

We stepped out into the midday sunlight. Legolas was still trying to wake up Merry and Pippin (ha, good luck) with the help of Aragorn. Jamie looked over all longingly at Sir Legs-a-Lot, but strode over with me to the small circle of Frodo, Sam, Boromir, and Gimli with me. 

"The Breakfast Club!" I laughed like a maniac. No one got it. Oh, sigh. My genius is greatly under-appreciated. I plopped down and grabbed a piece of dry whatever-it-was ( I don't think I want to know). Regarding it apprehensively, I bit into it. 

And spat it out. 

"EW! WHAT IS THIS?! Wait, don't tell me, I don't think I want to know…"I complained. Frodo and Sam looked like they agreed, and Jamie refused to eat it. I went off in search of real food. 

A moment later, I returned with granola bars and Diet Mountain Dew. I finished the granola quickly and began to chug the Dew. Jamie started to chant: "Chug! Chug! Chug!" 

"Now all we have to do is wait for the caffeine to kick in…" I said pleasantly, sitting back. Jamie finished off her "breakfast". 

"Earth girls are…. revolting," Gimli said "discreetly" (or so he thought). 

"Shut it, dwarfy!" I glared, throwing a plastic, 20 oz Mountain Dew bottle at his head. It made a satisfying "CLUNK". 

5 minutes later, right before we left, the caffeine kicked in. 

Let's just say the Fellowship's fears about "deranged", "revolting", "strange" Earth girls were confirmed. 

-----

/Jamie's POV

Ooh, caffeine. Imagine an Elf on caffeine. 

Haha. Heehee. Teehee. Lol. Roffle. I give up. 

Back to Your Original Story…

I was trying very hard not to fall asleep on…I think it's Gimli's shoulder, but EW, whoever it is smells. Oh, it's Boromir. Gross… 

"Jamie…. Jamie…. JAMIE!" screamed Chelsea. 

"Ahahahahaha," I muttered. Chelsea shook me even harder, but the 6-¼ hours of sleep I had gotten weren't enough. 

"Let me sleep in peace," I muttered, pushing her off me. Seconds later, I regretted ever saying/doing that. 

As we trudged on, I could feel the cold against my body, and my sopping hair lay on my shoulders. 

"Corsets sure hold water a long time," I thought aloud as I stubbed my toe against a huge boulder. At this comment, Chelsea burst into tears (from laughter, of course). I glared at her while I rubbed my swollen toe. 

"WHY ME?!" I yelled, looking up into the gray sky. 

After receiving revolting looks, and a "what's up with her?" from Frodo, I thought about something… 

"Who am I talking to? Do they have a God in Middle Earth?" I said to myself. 

-----

-Chelsea's POV- 

Jamie was questioning the various deities of Middle Earth. Legolas sighed, but was grinning with an air of smugness: 

"Here in Middle Earth, at least in Elvish lands, we have a multitude of Gods known as the Valar…" he began to lecture. 

"Hi, I'm Legolas Greenleaf, and I'll be your history teacher for this lesson…" I muttered as I breezed past. Jamie burst into laughter as Legolas scowled. Curse that Elvish hearing! 

I walked up front near the hobbits. Sam gave me a suspicious look, and Frodo looked wary and tired. Merry and Pippin smiled (score!). 

"Good afternoon, lovely hobbits!" I grinned. Sam and Frodo's looks continued. 

"I don't believe we've been properly introduced. I'm Chelsea Maynarde, but I go by several other names as well. My Hobbit Day name was Belladonna Burrows, but if you can think of something better, please share it," I rambled. Frodo began to snicker. 

"What is it, Mr. Frodo?" Sam asked, adjusting his pack. 

"Belladonna was the name of Bilbo's mother," he managed to say between snickers. No one else was familiar with this person, but we all smiled and nodded like we understood. It appeared this small piece of information had lifted some weight from Frodo's shoulders. 

"Pleased to meet you, Miss Belladonna. But I think I'll stick with Chelsea, thank you," Frodo smiled. 

"It eliminates confusion. I don't blame you," I shrugged. Sam still regarded me cautiously. 

"And you're Mr. Samwise Gamgee, am I not correct?" I smiled. 

He nodded warily. 

"I've heard nothing but positives about your cooking. Hopefully, I will have the luck to taste it," I said. 

Ok, so I was being way OOC. So sue me. 

Well anyway, San warmed up a little after that. I walked, talked, and sang with the hobbits all day. Lovely people they are. Our long walk continued, with nothing but cold and exhaustion. We stopped at midnight for rest (11 hour walk this time) in an unfamiliar area. Aragorn and Legolas had first watch. 

Once again, I was asleep within seconds. 

_The place was familiar, but I didn't know where I was. Golden leaves hung from the trees, and water flowed somewhere nearby. Wherever I was, I was alone. I followed the sound of water until I came to a clear river. I looked in to see my horribly distorted reflection. I sighed and the water rippled. There isn't a difference between me and the girl in the water; only her oblivion to the real world. _

A hand found mine. I looked up quickly to see Valandil, smiling. 

"I told you I'd watch over the Fellowship," he grinned. I laughed and then a thought hit me. 

"If I'm dreaming, how can I believe you?" I frowned. 

He laughed: "Who said you were dreaming?" 

Confusion. 

"You are asleep right now, yes, but I have found a way to be connected mentally while you sleep," he said, staring around the heavily wooded and watered landscape. 

"It isn't dark magic?" I whispered. He looked hurt. 

"Of course not. What…you think me in league with Sauron?" 

His fair Elven face was becoming stretched and distorted into a mask of evil, and when it spoke, I wanted to scream, to run… 

"You know the quest will fail, and all shall succumb to darkness, and he will be killed before your very eyes. You will cry for help, but find torture. There is nowhere to hide…" 

And images flashed before me…houses burning, pain, and death… 

A bleeding Valandil, eyes open and unseeing, mouth parted as if he were trying to speak before his end. A scream burst from me, and I fall into darkness… 

I woke up, freezing and gasping for air. Only a dream…a silly nightmare. 

Seeing the shades of night comforted me somewhat. I knew I wouldn't fall back asleep, so I packed my bag and walked over to the night guard, careful not to wake anyone. Frodo's brow was knitted when I walked by. Poor hobbit…having to take on such a task. But with his fanbase, he'll pull through. 

It was dark: no moon, no stars. Just black skies and cold air. I've never lived in a snowy climate, but I'd say this is what it is like before a storm. 

I approached Legolas and Aragorn (who looked dead on his feet…even though he was sitting…). Legolas turned around quickly, suspicion fixed onto his face. 

"Aragorn, I'll take over watch if you want to sleep," I whispered. 

"No. You should be asleep. I'm fine." 

What followed this retort was an idiotic conversation that lasted five minutes. It only ended when an irritated Legolas told Aragorn his watch was complete and he could leave. Aragorn stumbled away to a clear spot and fell asleep. 

Silence. 

"So why aren't you asleep? It has been made known that Earth girls need more than eight hours of sleep, and you've had a quarter of that," Legolas said. 

"Woah. It's 2AM?" 

"It would appear so, yes." 

"It's just…I'm worried about Jamie," I sighed dramatically. Legolas's fancy Elvish ears perked up. 

"Is she ill?" he asked in concern. 

I had to stifle my laughter. 

"I don't know how much longer she'll survive…" 

His eyes widened, and part of me felt bad…but 99% of me was cracking up. 

"…It's been three months since she last saw Pirates of the Caribbean and she hasn't had those cheesy whatsits in forever…" 

Something between a sigh of relief and agitation was breathed by Sir Legs-a-Lot. "That was not humorous in the slightest," he glared. 

"_Au contraire, mi Elf al la amigo loco…_" I snickered. What I said to made about as much sense to me as it did to him (i.e.-none at all). "Yes, I am a well known Serial Elf Torturer…" I freeze. 

_"You're starting to sound a lot like your older brother now…"_

And the looks of Valandil came rushing back, almost as sudden as the tears from my eyes. 

Legolas was surprised in the least. He patted my shoulder awkwardly. 

When my impromptu sobs had ended, the air seemed strangely still. 

"I suppose it's "none of my business"?" Legolas smiled weakly. I considered telling him about the strange dream I had, but decided against it. I nodded. 

"Thanks." 

_BEGONE, THOUGHTS OF VALANDIL, BEGONE!_

"So, Monsieur Eggo, I'm curious…what was your childhood like?" I asked, beginning to make GRASS JEWELRY! (For all those who don't know, that's when you take pieces of grass and braid them together. Voila! Bracelets, rings, necklaces, anklets galore! Yes, it is folly. Yes, I was ludicrously bored.) 

"Why are you interested in Middle Earth now?" he questioned, seeming to be fed up with my girlish, crazy self. I pretended to be hurt. 

"My dear Waffle King! Is this how you treat foreigners!?" I exclaimed softly. He sighed, but began to talk: 

"I was born 2,931 years ago to my father, Thranduil, and my mother…" 

I zoned out. My grass jewelry had reached a grand total of 3 rings, a bracelet, and a necklace. I could sell these for millions of dollars. If my last name was Gucci. 

As I braided the grass together, I began to picture various people doing the Barbossa. For all those who don't know…the Barbossa is a dance that combines the Johnny Bravo type of dancing (where you move your arms up and down) and the wave (where a "wave" goes up your arms). Hard to explain actually. 

Anyway, I pictured various people doing the Barbossa: Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Samwise, Boromir, Legolas (Teehee), Aragorn (snigger), Elrond (rofl), Denethor (cackle), the Witch King (his name is really an oxymoron…witches aren't men, kings aren't females…except for Hapshetsut…was it Hapshetsut?…SHUT UP, BRAIN, SHUT UP!). 

All provided small sources of entertainment until I got to Gandalf. I tell you, that sent me into hysterics. I was literally rolling around the floor laughing silently (I didn't want to wake anyone up) as Legolas stared on in confusion. 

"I just told you my mother died. How may I ask, is that amusing?" he spoke after my hysteria subsided. 

Oops. 

"Um…gut reaction?" I supplied. 

"I do not know if I can bear to tell you anymore," he sighed. 

"Oh, continue the tale, Waffle King," I yawned. (Ordered. Whatever.) 

"Very well. But only because we have hours ahead of the watch and you may die of ennui. And I do not wish to be held responsible… 

"After my mother died, Valandil and I began to rely on each other. My father is a good person, but not a…paternal type. Our childhoods were entwined, but as we grew, we grew apart. There is now a gap between us, even if we appear close…" he paused. 

Ooh, family drama! 

"Why did you grow apart?" I questioned. 

"Well…Valandil was never much of a ruling type. He's much too…free spirited. But he was expected to be sovereign, as he is the elder of the two of us…" 

"Woah. Rewind and FREEZE! Valandil's the OLDER ONE?!" 

Legolas frowned. "I was always told so…but now that I think…it seemed Father only said that when he expected Valandil to rule…until he turned so rebellious-", ooh, rebels are hot,"-and he turned to me…" He stared over the mountains. Crap. I brought out residual memories. I truly am a SET. 

I began my 16th piece of Grass Jewelry. 

-----

Legolas roused the others at 7AM. My grass jewelry collection had neared 50, and I was covered in it (5 rings, 7 necklaces, one ring on a necklace, 10 bracelets on each arm, and 5 anklets on each leg. I made Legolas wear a necklace. Oh all right, I blackmailed him into wearing it. With what? That is a secret I am taking with me to the grave. 

Or possibly next week. 

Jamie stumbled out, still blinking in the morning cloud. 

"What are you doing up?" she yawned. 

"Um…couldn't sleep?" I lied. 

"Right. You can always sleep. You may not tell me now, but I'll find out. I will," she said in a scarily good impersonation of Anamaria. 

"My poor, poor Pervy Elf Fancier…" 

"I AM NOT PERVY!" 

"…what you need is caffeine." 

I went to my bag and returned with one Diet Cherry Coke and one Mountain Dew. Jamie gazed at it like it was the Messiah, or at the very least, Rei, and opened it with a _shhhht. _We chugged the caffeinated paradises down. 

Before we set out, the groggy Fellowship groaned. 

The only thing scarier than one girl on caffeine is two girls on caffeine… 

----- 

/Jamie's POV 

After downing our caffeinated beverage I got a cool idea… 

-Later that Day-

"Yoooooouuuuuu caaaaaaann….DRINK YOUR FANCY ALES, YOU CAN DRINK THEM BY THE FLAGON! BUT THE ONLY BREW FOR THE BRAVE AND TRUEEE! COMES FROM THE GREEN DRAGON!" 

We sung and danced the morn away, "we" as in Frodo, Merry, Sam, Pippin, Chelsea, and me. 

After our Hobbit Dancing Frenzy, Chelsea gave a shot at teaching the wee ones "If I Were a Rich Man" and "Hollywood Dot Com". And to no surprise, they picked it up quite well. Sam had left us. According to him: "We would wake up every Orc in Middle Earth with this racket!" 

And we probably did. 

-----

After what was definitely hours of walking, a mountain appeared on the horizon. 

-----

**A/N- SCHOOL'S OUT! Still don't have the RotK DVD. Too tired to type any more idiotic A/Ns. **

Cosmos Senshi- Bwaha. You'll just have to wait until next chapter now! AAAAHAHAHAHA! –wicked evil laughter- Sorry, I am just too tired to type anything up. 

PLEASE REVIEW! –keels over, dead-


	5. Ah, the Wonders of Snow

**A/N- I'm not going to wait for an OOC this time. I must get this up, pronto. Because it has been much too long since we last updated. **

Disclaimer- Still don't own. La…di…da. 

Chapter Five 

-Chelsea's POV- 

When our traveling ensemble had run out of songs for our repertoire, we were trudging uphill. Yes, between the six of us, we managed to sing 8 hours worth of songs. The rest of the Fellowship muttering to Eru (Legolas), walking with dazed looks (Sam; Gandalf), twitching (Gimli; slightly Boromir), or sighing (Aragorn). 

Ah the powers of annoyance. 

And so we trudged on. For the next week. 

------

We had stopped at a nice large rock. It was late afternoon, and still cold. Gandalf and Gimli were arguing over the Mines of Moria, Frodo sleeping, Sam was MIA (but I suspected he was cooking), Legolas…er…staring at something, Boromir teaching Merry and Pippin to fight, and Aragorn smoking. 

"My dear Aragorn…smoking is bad for your health," I tsked. He laughed. 

"Yeah, if you keep it up…your nails and teeth will turn black!" Jamie said. His eyes widened. 

"And your lungs will shrivel up…" I added. 

"…And float away like ashes!" Jamie gasped. At first he seemed concerned, but then he shrugged and said: 

"But I will have lived a happy life." 

Jamie snickered and walked away. "ADDICT!" I screamed. I was shushed by 7 people. "Well, it's true." 

Then Aragorn and Legolas started discussing clouds. 

"It's moving fast, against the wind," Aragorn muttered. All was silent until Legolas shouted: "Crebain from Dunland!" Someone hissed, "hide!" but I didn't see who it was as I was too busy sniggering under a rock. 

-Jamie's POV-

"CREBAIN FROM DUNLAND!" Leggy shouted. "Hide!" 

We scurried to around and hid under rocks, kicking each other accidentally. 

After the birds passed, I jumped up from my hiding spot and screeched to Gimli: "AYE, AVAST!!" The look on his bearded face was priceless. 

-Chelsea's POV-

Gimli was muttering for the rest of the trip of two days. Actually, now that I think about it, everyone was muttering. It was reasonably maddening…for example… 

Gandalf- "We cannot go South any longer. The passage is being watched." 

Aragorn- "Perils known and unknown will grow as we go on. We must go on, it is no good delaying the passage of the mountains…" Gimli- "MORIA! I TELL YOU, MORIA! Foolish girl…" 

Legolas- "Oh Valar…insolent dwarf." 

Sam- "What I wouldn't give to be at home in the Shire…with a nice warm dinner…" 

Frodo- "::eerie/drowsy looks::" 

Merry- "I'm so tired…" 

Pippin- "And hungry…" 

Boromir- "::eerie looks in general::" 

Jamie- "This is so stupid…. can't we just WALK already?!" 

Me- "What can you seeeeeeee? ON THE HORIZON?! WHY DO THE WHITE GUUUULLLLS CAAAAAA-" 

Rest of Fellowship- "Be QUIET!" 

Ah, what an exciting afternoon. 

Aragorn and Gandalf kept muttering about our course for the rest of the day. It was our 15th day of Journeying, still as cold and overcast as when we started off. 

In the words of the great Jake Morgendorffer: "Hey kids! Don't you just love it when it's overcast!?" 

-------

The next few days were spent walking down a twisted road, which led to Caradhras. Yes, the big fricking mountain. We reached said mountain within a few days. 

And then we began our ascent in snow. 

"Jamie!" I hissed gleefully, pointing up to the sky. Tiny white flakes were falling to earth. 

"SNOW!!!" we cried, only to be shushed, once again, by the entire Fellowship (save the Hobbits, which only added to their lovability.). But soon, the enchanting flakes spiraled into a massive blizzard, and I couldn't see my hand in front of my face, much less Gandalf's lead. 

Suddenly, we stopped, causing me to crash into Jamie. The snow was up to our ankles now. I grinned silently as I scooped up some snow as Gandalf, Aragorn, Boromir, and Gimli talked about…stuff. 

"This is what I feared. What do you say now, Aragorn?" Gandalf said with a sigh. 

"That I feared it too, but less than other things…" Aragorn began. THWACK! The snowball hit him in the side of his head. 

"Chelsea, this is not a time for amusement," Gandalf growled. I snickered. 

"Yes sir." 

As we turned to walk on, a snowball found its way to his head. But not by me… 

"Jamie!" I said in awe. She grinned. 

"Well, I have never seen snow before…" 

And so began the Snowball Fight of Middle Earth… 

Of course, Gandalf was furious that 10 of us were engaging in a snowball war when it had to be below freezing. 

But it was fun while it lasted. 

------

We trudged up for another three hours before everyone (except Legolas, Gandalf, and Aragorn…rawr.) couldn't move. We stopped and made camp. And once again, sleep was instant for all of us… 

------

The next day, we (_quelle surprise_) walked. The snow was knee deep now, making walking very awkward. 

"I'm so…c-cold…"Jamie stammered, her face a shade close to blue. I burst out laughing hysterically: "Like we're n-not?" 

Just then, Legolas pranced by. On top of the snow. 

"Poncy elf," I muttered, throwing a snowball, which connected beautifully with the back of his head. Smirking, we slogged on. 

------ 

-Jamie's POV- 

Leggy's reaction was unexpected. He picked up a wad of snow, and threw it at the person in front of us, Gimli. Gimli wasn't having as much fun, and didn't react. 

----- 

-Chelsea' POV- 

Another snowball fight was on the verge of breaking out, but suddenly, Frodo lost his footing and began rolling down the mountain (we weren't too high up…yet). 

When he rolled past Aragorn, Aragorn was a saint and helped Frodo up. Frodo discovered the ring was missing, and Boromir bent down and picked it up. 

"It is a strange fate we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing…such a little thing…" he murmured, eyeing the ring in admiration. 

"Boromir!" Aragorn called, breaking Boromir from his stupor. "Give the Ring to Frodo." 

He laughed and tossed the ring to the frightened Frodo. "As you wish. I care not," he chuckled. Boromir tousled Frodo's hair and laughed some more. It was all quite disturbing and amusing to watch. 

Walking back to his Designated Walking Spot, he tried to dishevel Jamie's and mine too, but I struck some kind of weird karate pose and "HYAH!"ed quite loudly, while Jamie growled. Boromir rolled his eyes, and we dredged on. 

The day carried on. The snow was now waist deep, and I didn't like it so much anymore. 

"On top of CARADHRAAAAS! All covered in SNOOOWW! Plows the poor FELLLOWSHIPPP! It's twenty beloooow!" I began to sing softly. It grew louder as time went on, and Jamie joined in. 

"ON TOP OF CARADHRAAAAAS! ALL COVERED IN SNOWWWWW! Plows the poor FELLLOWSHIP! It's 20 be-" we began to sing loudly. 

"SSH!" Aragorn shushed. We shut up. 

"There is a fell voice in the air," Legolas said quietly. 

"It's SARUMAN!" Gandalf cried. 

"The wizard with the multicolored robe. Oh yeah…" I nodded wisely. Jamie was about to respond when a huge batch of snow fell down on our heads. Or almost, anyway. 

"He's trying to bring down the mountain! Gandalf, we must turn back!" Aragorn shouted over the wind, cold, and snow. 

"NO!" Gandalf yelled back in reply. He stood up straighter and started chanting out another language, "Losto Caradhras! Sedho, hodo, nui tho I'ruith!" All was still for a minute, and then Saruman countered that, and then came the second avalanche. 

So we were all buried under feet of snow. It was quite nice, actually. Warmer than the air outside. I couple stay here forever in this lovely little cocoon… 

A few pairs of arms latched onto me and pulled me out. 

"Hey! I liked it in there!" I cried indignantly. Jamie looked, if possible, colder than before, but was still able to make googly faces at Legolas as he pulled people out of the snow, as well as Aragorn and Boromir. 

When we were all out and spluttering snow from our mouths, Boromir yelled: "We must get off the mountain! Make for the Gap of Rohan and take the west road to my city!" 

"There's a Gap in Rohan? I do need some jeans…and another jacket would be nice…" I said thoughtfully. No one got it. As always. 

"The Gap of Rohan takes us too close to Isenguard!" Aragorn shouted. 

"If we cannot pass over a mountain, let us go under it! Let us go through the Mines…of Moria!" Gimli growled. 

"No, let's all just do the Hokey Pokey and turn ourselves around, because that's what it's all about!" I screamed. 

Jamie snickered: "We have to teach that to the hobbits." I nodded in agreement. 

While the Fellowship was arguing, Gandalf spoke: "Let the Ringbearer decide." 

All was silent as Frodo thought. When he spoke, I mouthed the words with him: "We will go through the mines." 

We began our leisurely stroll (yeah, right) to the Mines. I walked with Jamie. 

"You know, Filhipia, you're becoming v. Mary Sue like," I tutted. 

She sighed: "Well that's too bad. It can't be helped." 

I smirked. "You forget whom you're walking with…you need something to fight your oncoming Mary-Sueness with, something no Mary-Sue would ever do…hey, I'm a poet and I didn't even know it!" I giggled. She read my mind. 

"Oh, no Chelsea. I will NOT do that." 

Five minutes later, she walked up to Gimli. 

"Gimli… I have something to tell you," she said. 

"Hmmm," he grunted, walking on. She wrinkled her nose and mouthed, "Do I have to?" I nodded, smirking. She sighed. 

"I've never told anyone this before, but I cannot keep it secret and more. Ever since I saw you…your beautiful beard and war-fire eyes. And I confess…I love you," she winced. He grimaced, and walked on agitatedly as Jamie scowled as I fell into the snow, cracking up. 

"I'm not a Mary-Sue anymore, right?" 

"Oh, you never really were in the first place. But yes, you have redeemed yourself, Jamie. You are no longer a Mary Sue. For now." 

And ooh, drama, we walked into the surrounding darkness. 

------

**A/N- Yeah, things have been busy lately. ::sheepish looks:: But I promise you, I will not let this parody fall to ruin. It WILL run through RotK and there is small talk of an epilogue. But that's undecided and quite far ahead. **

Crecy- Wow. Well, by the time this is up, you'll be out. AND WE UPDATED! …but not for a while, I grant you. It's still 8AM while I'm typing this, so I'm pretty tired. But that's out of subject. YAY, CAFFEINATED FELLOWSHIP! Caffeine…how would we live without it? 

zeldagrl436- lol, thank you! 

Come on, people, don't be afraid to review. We need the egos. (::rolls eyes::) 


	6. Running Around Like Headless Chickens

**A/N- No time for author's notes. Must type or face untimely death. **

_

Chapter 6

_

-Chelsea's POV- 

As we neared the gates to the Mines, I heard Gandalf call to Frodo. "Frodo! Come and help an old man." 

Frodo hurried over to Gandalf, who put his arm around him. (AAAH HOBBIT MOLESTER!…moving right along.). Being the naturally curious girl I am, I snuck up behind them, sniggering silently. 

"…the Ring? You feel its power growing, don't you? I've felt it too. You must be careful now. Evil will be drawn to you from outside the Fellowship. And, I fear, form within," Gandalf muttered. (Bwahahaa, I have super-elfish-hearing powers. FEAR ME, MORTALS!). Boromir walked by meanwhile, and Gandalf eyed him suspiciously. Frodo's paranoia looks increased, and Boromir glared at them. I felt so bad for him, I felt the urge to glomp him or…tell him he's loved or hit him with a beanbag. Something. 

Anyway, after he passed, Frodo whispered: "Who then do I trust?" 

_Me, I'm not after a shiny piece of metal. It is metal, isn't it? It can't be real gold…_

"You must trust yourself. Trust your own strengths." 

"What do you mean?" 

_…real gold would be really expensive. Hey…MOSES! MOSES! M-O-A-OZIS! _ "There are many powers in this world for good or for evil. Some are greater than I am-" …geez, isn't that just a wee bit egomaniacal? Ah, whatever. It's not my ego… "…and against some I have not yet been tested…"Gandalf sighed. 

"I HAVE A CHILD!" I yelled. Out loud. The entire Fellowship, sans Jamie, turned to look at me strangely. I picked up a rock from the ground and held it out proudly. "His name is Larry Christine." 

Legolas gave me a look that clearly stated he believed I should be locked up somewhere. 

Eventually, we came to a dark hall with a lake. Gimli hit the wall with his axe. "Dwarf doors are invisible when closed," he stated proudly. I rolled my eyes, as did Leggy and Jamie. 

"Yes, Gimli, even their own masters cannot find them if their secrets are forgotten," Gandalf said. 

"Like locker combinations?" I was ignored, as always. 

"Why does that not surprise me?" Legolas smirked. 

"GAAHAHAHAHAA! You have some intelligence about you, Leggy-bo-Beggy!" I laughed like a loon. 

"Yes…we elves have superior wit, Lady-" 

"You did not just say that," I said quietly. 

"…?" 

"YOU ARE NOT WITTY, LEGOLAS! I AM THE ONE WHO IS GREATER THAN OR EQUAL TO WITTY! IF YOU TRY TO STEAL THAT FROM ME, I WILL HAVE THE B-…YOU KILLED! BY WARNER, MY MANSERVANT!" I shrieked as the Fellowship tried to shut me up. Heehee, Moulin Rouge-ness. 

Jamie scowled. "Geez, Jamie, he's your Hot Elvish Hunk o' Loooooove. I have no plans of stealing him…yet." 

Legolas gave me an odd look, and moved up in line, away from me. Gandalf was inversely looking along the stone wall for something. 

"What's wrong?" I whispered to Jamie. 

"You made me tell Gimli I loved him." 

"Jeezum, I know, PEF. And it was all in rewards," I shook my head. 

"What in the name of Jimmie Johnson's race car are you talking about?!" she growled. 

I shrugged. "C'mon, Future Princess of Mirkwood. You can't stay mad at me forever…I'm the only one who knows about Paris of Troy and Jimmie Johnson in this entire UNIVERSE." 

"Hmph." 

"And I'm the only other one who has both caffeine and the February issue of Teen People." 

"…point taken." 

"So…forgiven?" 

"Sure. Can I have some caffeine stash now?" 

"Oh, would you look at that…" I grinned, sprinting over to Gandalf, who was announcing: 

"Ithildin! It mirrors only starlight and moonlight…" 

As if on cue, the clouds parted and Jamie and I shouted "THE MOONLIGHT SHOWS US FOR WHAT WE REALLY ARE!". Then burst into hysterical fits of laughter. 

"Quiet!" Aragorn snapped. Heh. 

"It reads: The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak friend, and enter"," Gandalf continued, paying no mind to any of us. The door now glowed with a substance that resembled moonlight. I stared on in quiet admiration (for once). 

"What do you suppose that means?" Merry said, looking cute and nothing like Charlie: Bloody Rawk Gawd. 

"Oh, it's quite simple. If you are a friend, you speak the password and the doors will open," Gandalf said (with me mouthing the words mockingly behind him. Jamie sniggered). He continued with some magic stuff (not resembling "EXPECTO PATRONUUUUUMM!", sadly), and magically…the gates remained closed. I cackled loudly, and went to stake out by a spot by a lovely tree (by hobbits. Squee!) 

What seemed like hours passed. Pippin, Merry, and I were on our 142nd round of "Rock, Paper, Scissors". Pippin sighed. 

"Nothing's happening." 

Gandalf was irritated. "I once knew every spell in the tongues of Elves, Men, and Orcs…" 

I snuck up behind him: "YOU'RE GETTING OOOOOOLD!" 

"SILENCE!" he roared, going all Almighty Wizard on me. I was thrown back a couple feet. 

"Idiot…" 

"He doesn't take aging well, does he?" Jamie snickered. 

"What are you going to do then?" Pippin asked Gandalf. 

"KNOCK YOUR HEAD AGAINST THESE DOORS, PEREGRIN TOOK! AND IT THAT DOES NOT SHATTER THEM, AND I AM ALLOWED A LITTLE PEACE FROM FOOLISH QUESTIONS, I WILL TRY TO FIND THE OPENING WORDS!" he roared again. He muttered some stuff, and Pippin slouched. Jamie was saying goodbye to Bill with Aragorn and Sam. Horsey person. 

I slouched over to Pippin and put my arm around him. "Don't worry. We can be Gandalf-Hated Outcasts together!" I sighed. He smiled. I love that hobbit. 

More minutes passed. Merry and Pippin were throwing stones in the water. Pippin was about to throw one in, but Aragorn held out his arm. "Do not disturb the water." 

God, what was it? Hate Pippin Day? 

I walked over. 

"Aragorn, you shouldn't be rude to Pippin, do you know why?" 

"I wasn't being-" 

"Do you know why?" 

"Why?" he said, looking bored. 

"Because-" dramatic pause "-I love you." 

He sighed, and Jamie laughed. 

"Go aggravate Gandalf, Chelsea." 

"Righto!" I said, skipping off, humming "Seven Deadly Sins" by Flogging Molly. 

"Oh, it's useless," Gandalf muttered, throwing down his staff and hat and sitting down. 

"Let me take a whack at it!" I grinned, stepping in front of the door. "Open sesame!" No response. "Begun by blood, by blood undone!" Silence. "Yup, it's useless." 

Frodo stepped forward. "It's a riddle…speak "friend" and enter. What's the Elvish word for friend?" 

"_COPINE_! NO…_AMI_! NO…MELON!" I screeched. Gandalf rolled his eyes, Barbossa-style. 

"Mellon." 

The doors opened. 

"WE WIN DOUBLE JEOPORDY!" I cheered. We entered the mines as Gimli prattled on. 

"…roaring fires! Malt beer! Ripe meat off the bone!" Here, Jamie interjected with an "Ew." Gimli continued, paying no mind. "…is the home of my cousin, Balin! And they call it a mine. A MINE!" 

Boromir looked around. "This is no mine…it's a tomb." 

Being the short-term-memory type of person I am, I had forgotten about the Dead Things. Actually, I realized I had forgotten almost every plot line. It was unnerving to say the least. 

I looked down and saw dead things. Jamie put her foot down and it crunched through one of their skulls. She screamed. I jumped up into Boromir's arms (he was nearest, and I was unnerved like a spooked horse.). 

"EW! THERE ARE DEAD…THINGS! And I touched them! EW! OH GOD EEEEWWWW!" 

Jamie swayed for a moment, before she almost fell back. Luckily, Sir Legs-A-Lot was behind her and managed to catch her. 

To sum everything up, it was Pandemonium Middle Earth Style. I was screaming my head off, Bormoir looked like he had a headache. Jamie was still out cold, Legolas searching for smelling salts (HA! I wish.). The hobbits were spazzing out, Aragorn and Gandalf trying to restore order (good luck), and Gimli was running about going "NOOO!" 

Legolas glanced at an arrow on the ground. "Goblins!" he spat. Jamie woke up, and Boromir set me down and started rambling about the Gap of Rohan. I swayed for a moment as the Fellowship began to retreat. 

You think you've seen chaos? Psh. Try figuring out what's going on when a giant squid starts attacking people and that person that he attacks is right next to you. 

My only thought before screaming my head off again was, _Ah crap, I'm going to have laryngitis tomorrow._

"AAAAAAH!" Frodo was yelling. Not that I'd blame him. I'd scream too if a freaky squid thing was threatening certain death. Heck, I was screaming NOW and the thing hadn't even touched me. 

"FRODO!!!" Merry yelled. 

"Frodo! Help!" Pippin shouted. 

"STRIDER!" Ok, it was getting old now. Where's Mister Hero…? 

I wandered about the caves, trying to find some way to help as Aragorn tried to save the day. The Hobbits were chopping at the Watcher in the Water with their swords. I could do that, but HEY! I don't have a sword! Grumble, grumble. 

Somehow, Merry, Pippin, and Sam managed to free Frodo. It seemed safe for a minute, but the Thing burst out of the water again, getting Frodo for a second time. Leggy began shooting at the creature (which was his first time shooting in front of most of the Fellowship. I tried not to laugh. Really, I did.). So while the entire Fellowship except Gimli, Gandalf, Jamie, and me hacked at the Watcher, Aragorn cut off the offending tentacle and Boromir caught Frodo (he's just catching everyone today.). 

"INTO THE CAVES!" Gandalf yelled. 

"Legolas! Into the caves!" Boromir called out. I sniggered at the sheer wrongness of the words. 

We all shuffled uncomfortably in the cave (which was currently blocked off by the Watcher). It was pitch black until Gandalf put a crystal-like object on his staff. 

"Light bright!" I grinned. 

"We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things than Orcs in the deep places of the world," Gandalf said, advancing forth with Gimli (who was practically bouncing up and down. Apparently, he forgot about his dead kinsmen.). 

"You mean Ms. Koch's here?!" I said with fake enthusiasm. 

"Mr. Nicolai too?" Jamie pitched in as we walked on. 

"OH JOY!!" we screeched in false fangirlism. 

Again, we were silenced by Men and Wizards with no sense of humor. 

"Quietly, now. It is a four-day journey to the other side. Let us hope our presence will go unnoticed." 

And so we journeyed. 

We walked around for a while, and Gandalf blathered on about Mithril. I gave Frodo an appraising look. When no one was looking, I picked up a small, shiny rock from the ground and shoved it in my pack. 

Then I realized something horrible. 

I let out a muffled shriek, and the Fellowship turned around, weapons drawn. 

"Chelsea? What is it?" Jamie said, looking worried. I couldn't speak for the fear that consumed me. How could this be? HOW?! 

"There's…" 

"What?" 

"There's…" 

"WHAT?!" 

"THERE'S NO MORE GUM IN MY BACKPACK!" I yelled as softly as possibly, theatrically (unrealistically) breaking down and sobbing. The Fellowship sighed (bourgeois pigs.) and we walked on. And climbed on. Oh, joy. 

After a while, we stopped in an area with three passages. "I have no memory of this place..." Gandalf muttered. "Hooray, we're lost," I sighed, plopping down by the Hobbits and Jamie. 

"_Are_ we lost?" Pippin questioned. 

"No," Merry replied. 

"I think we are." 

"Well, it's too bad if we are lost, because we don't have a doctor and designated hero Jack, or a fugitive who likes to say "What?", or a crazy guy who used to work with boxes who can track like nobody's business, or a VH1 reject…or a Southern angry smoking antagonist!" I muttered to myself. Hee…I love Lost. 

They continued their argument with no mind to me. 

"Shh…Gandalf's thinking!" 

Silence. 

"Merry?" 

"What?!" 

"…I'm hungry." 

I sighed, and in my generosity, I gave Pippin some Skittles. We snacked in silence as Jamie and Merry discussed the sheer insanity of their comrades. 

Frodo and I spotted something moving at the same time, and cried out, "THERE'S SOMETHING DOWN THERE!" or "ARRR! THERE BE SOMETHING MOVIN' IN THE DEPTHS! ARRRR!" 

"It's Gollum," Gandalf informed us. At this, I snuck off to Jamie. 

"Jamie, look! Gollum!" 

So while Gandalf chatted to Frodo about Gollum, pity, death, judgment, and all that good stuff, Jamie and I spied on Gollum. "We should go get him and hug him and squeeze him and call him Josephina!" 

"His name is _Gollum_." 

"…oh yeah." 

"EH! It's that way!" Gandalf stated suddenly. 

"He's remembered!" Merry grinned. 

"No, but the air doesn't smell so foul down here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose…" 

"Follow your nose! Wherever it goes!" I began to sing. 

"Let us risk a little more light…" 

The room lit up, and we were surrounded by tall, magnificent pillars and hallways. It was, in the words of Samwise Gamgee, "an eye-opener, and no mistake." 

As we strolled through the hallways, Gimli suddenly spotted a doorway, and he ran to it. The next thing we heard was Gimli's sobbing. We entered to see him crying upon a tomb, it appeared. Gandalf walked over: "Here lies Balin, Son of Fundin, Lord of Moria. He is dead then. It is as I feared." 

He handed Pippin his hat and staff while Gimli muttered something foreign. I took Gandalf's hat and put it on, Legolas scowling. After a minute, he turned to Aragorn. "We must move on. We cannot linger." 

"LINGER BWAHAHHAHAHA!" That got everyone's attention. "Er…you've got me feeling hella good so let's just keep on dancing," I spoke somberly, dancing like a loon. It wasn't a minute later when I realized I was still wearing Gandy's hat. 

Eep. 

Gandalf sighed, and picked up a dead man's book. Serious disgusto factor there. He began to read: 

"They have taken the bridge and the second hall. WE have barred the gates, but cannot hold them for long. The ground shakes. Drums, drums in the deep. We cannot get out. A shadow movies in the dark. We cannot get out. They are coming." 

------- 

**Jamie's PoV**

"…one ring to rule them…" 

_Who's them?_

"EW!" I screamed, seeing the skeletons on the floor. 

Before we even got a chance to go further, I fainted. 

----------

Three days we trudged on. Three days with very little food or sleep. On the night of the third day, I drifted into a deep and sound sleep… 

When I awoke, I wasn't confused any longer. I knew what the dreams were reminding me of. I could tell no one. 

------------

**A/N- Heh…sorry 'bout the PoVs and lengthy waits. . Been UBER busy lately. And please stick with this, as TTT is almost completed, writing wise, and it's turning out to be SO MUCH BETTER. **

Reviewer Mercis-

Cosmos Senshi- Y'know…I kinda like htat idea. Latest it'll be is the RotK one. And yes, there will be a RotK. Even if it takes years to type the first installment … 

TrekieGreenieShannaraElfOfME- LegolaslEGOlas Eggo. Just a weird little nickname ::snickers::. 

Crecy- CAFFEINE FREE?! O! Well, the sad thing, I haven't had any Diet Coke for TWO WEEKS. I had to move over to Diet Sunkist. Probably why this took so long to get up…::sighs::. 

TrekieGreenieShannaraElfOfME- One more chapter, then the kick-butt stuff starts. The seriously major kickbutt will come in later. But believe me, it's coming, and yes, it still is fangirly. C'mon, honestly, what do you expect? ::rolls eyes:: I'll try to edit that a bit though. And I'll try to insert a Gimli conversation. Soon. 

TrekieGreenieShannaraElfOfME (again)- It'd be amusing, to say the least. Bwahaa…thanks for your (second) review! 

Anonymous- I love you too. Oh, and by the way…::hands you dictionary:: Learn to spell. Thxbye. 

AnimeGodess149- Wow. That's…er…different. Well, to each their own, I suppose. Thanks for your review! 

The Fantastic Fangirls- I'd reply to yo, but I know you, and my fingers are protesting. Thanks anyway. And remember…chOColate. 

sibbielee113- ::updates, hopefully humorously.:: Suggestions for fangirlism…? 

A/N- Yeah. More coherent later. Still tired…::yawn::. And hopefully, updates won't be 5 months apart anymore. But by no means will this be discontinued. Slowed down, but not killed. And thanks for putting up for the absence over the months. 

Cheers! 


	7. See the Fellowship Run

** A/N- Voici chapter! I'm not apologizing for the delay as you should expect it by now :rolls eyes: **

Disclaimer- Not in my possession, although a certain twin elf is. Bwahahaaa.

_Chapter Seven_

-Jamie's PoV-

The little amount of sleep I got was taking its toll… 

I was scanning for a place to keel over and sleep when Pippin knocked over the remains of a skeleton, sending Gandalf into a rage. 

"Fool of a Took!" he blasted at the bewildered young hobbit. 

I picked my way over to Chelsea and leaned my heavy head on her shoulder. She didn't seem very sympathetic. She swished her curly, fire red hair, and said in an irritated way: "I haven't had any caffeine for ages, I'm just as tired as you are." 

Woah. 

She obviously didn't know. 

-Chelsea's PoV- 

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf hissed. "Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity!" 

Pippin migrated over to a corner and sat silently. I walked over. "It's okay, Pippin. I still love you." 

He smiled glumly. "It's as if I don't do anything but cause trouble." _I love his accent. Honestly, the world would be a better place if everyone had accents. _"What?" 

It took me a minute to realize I had spoken aloud. "Er...nothing. Just musing, trying to make the world a better place...y'know, the usual. Anyway, I don't think you cause trouble. I think you liven up the place. You make Jamie and I- resident fangirls and unwanted, unneeded members- feel much better." 

He smiled, and began to speak, but Gandalf beat him to it. 

"You, Pippin, can go on first watch at reward," Gandalf growled. Pippin sighed as the others began to fall asleep. 

"Want me to stay with you?" I offered. 

"No. You're tired. Sleep will do you well," Pippin said glumly. I felt bad about leaving him alone, so I dragged my sleeping bag near Pippin. 

"There! Now you're not alone, even if your company is sleeping," I grinned. 

"Thank you," I heard the hobbit say as I pulled the sleeping bag over my head. 

"Don't mention it…" I yawned, falling asleep almost instantly. 

What seemed like minutes but was probably hours later, I heard rustling noises. Pippin was asleep nearby, and Gandalf had taken his place, smoking. 

Why is this place so full with addicts? 

"Gaaanndalf? You shouldn't smoke. You might get emphyzema and die." 

He glanced over, appearing not to care at all, really. 

I sighed. "What time is it?" 

"Near four in the morning." 

I sat up. "Do you despise me for snatching your hat?" 

He chuckled (bad word choice, but most appropiate). "Despise? No." 

"Would Jamie and I win in the Most Annoying and Sometimes Useless Member of the Fellowship contest?" 

"Not Jamie as much. Neither of you annoy the Fellowship terribly, but you do need to learn when to keep quiet." I snickered. "You bring life to the Fellowship," he said thoughtfully. 

I glanced at him in horror when I realized I had said the same thing to Pippin. Alas, it went unnoticed. 

"You may doubt your talents but I know you will help the Fellowship in many ways. Do not be quick to judge others, watch yourself and your words, and trust yourself, and you will be fine." 

This was like finishing school. Only in a cold cavern where a bunch of dead guys were. 

"Thanks, Gandalf," I said, dazed. I was too tired to think of any more as I fell back asleep. 

Around seven o'clock we were sadly woken up by Gandalf, Aragorn, and Legolas. Sam and Frodo woke up amazingly quickly while Gimli was slightly slow on the uptake. Merry, Pippin, and I watched everyone with dazed, drooping eyes, and Jamie disregarded everyone and just went back to sleep (until Legolas had to go over and personally shake her awake.). We ate a quick breakfast, Jamie and I rationing our caffeine and good food supplies. Just as we prepared to leave, drums were heard. 

"SSSH!" I hissed. We grew silent as the drums increased. 

"Frodo!" Sam cried. Sting was glowing blue. 

"Orcs!" Legolas and I spat. Boromir sped off to the doors, two arrows barely missing him. 

"You...six! Stay close to Gandalf!" Aragorn ordered. "That is so discriminatory, it is not even FUNNY!" I yelled back at him as the hobbits drew their swords. Jamie and I scanned the area frantically. "Um...hate to tell you this..." I began to say as Aragorn and Boromir worked hastily to secure the doors. "...but Jamie and I are weaponless. Unless you count like...these sharp rocks or something..." 

Gandalf took a minute to acknowledge the situation. He drew two swords out of Sam's pack. "I was hoping you wouldn't need these..." he frowned, handing the old ("vintage", one might go as far to say) Elvish swords over to us. 

"Hmm," I said, appraising the sword. I smiled at its sheen. 

"Let them come! There is one dwarf yet in Moria that still draws breath!" Gimli spat/roared. I began to laugh, but the doors were breached, and the room was quickly being flooded with orcs. 

The door split with a loud, resounding crack. There was maybe one moment we could brace ourselves for what was coming, but before most of us had any time to react, the Orcs attacked. Hideous and bloody and...ew, they were certainaly a face only a mother could love. If their mothers. 

A few (dozen) came towards me. Not knowing what else to do, I screamed "RUUUUUUUS!" in homage to King Arthur and spun around, luckily hacking off a head. "AAARGH!" I screamed. 

"This is no time to be squeamish!" Legolas reprimaded as he took down six at once. Someone should really, really backhand him whenever they get a chance. 

Jamie and I speared one that was cornering Merry, and in return he speared one that had snuck up on me. All the fighting went on for a few terrifying minutes. I would have gratefully stuck with this in place of the cave troll whose steps were shaking the ground. 

"GAAAAAAAH!" I screeched as Jamie infamously "EEP!"ed. It was hard not to be distracted by the newcomer, but the many grunts of the revolting Orcs jolted me back to reality. I tried my best to ward them off while keeping my eyes on the troll to make sure I would not be squashed to death. 

"I think I'm getting the hang of this!" I heard Sam exclaim. I rolled my eyes. Optimists. Gotta love them. 

Frodo was doing an odd hide n' seek thing with the cave troll as we hacked the last Orcs away. I looked from my spot in a corner to see practially all the Orcs either slain or fleeing. Smiling with relief, I came out of hiding to collide with Jamie. 

"EEP!" 

We turned around just in time to see Frodo being stabbed by the troll. 

"FRODO!" Sam bellowed. I was watching Merry and Pippin with vague amusement, but then they jumped off the troll to let Legolas commit his little Awesome/Weird/Hysterically Funny Death of Cave Troll Act. The troll fell to the ground, unmoving, while Aragorn, Gandalf, Merry, Pippin, Gimli, Legolas, and Sam dashed over to Frodo, their faces a jumble of utmost concern. Jamie and I sauntered over, stepping over the bloodied Orcs. 

"Oh no," Aragorn whispered. 

"Mithril," I hummed softly. Jamie grinned at me. They turned Frodo over, and suprisingly... 

"He's alive!" Sam exclaimed. 

"It's all right...I'm not hurt..." Frodo panted. I laughed. 

"You're almost as much of a Drama Sap as I am." 

"You should be dead! That spear would have skewered a wild boar..." Aragorn said in awe. 

Jamie and I burst out laughing. 

"BOAR!" 

"LOCKE!" 

"SQUEAL!" 

"LOST!" 

"US FROM THEM!" 

"...what?" 

"I think there's more to this hobbit than meets the eye," Gandalf smiled. I rolled my eyes. Frodo opened his shirt (ooer) to reveal the Mithril coat. 

"DING DING DING! I win Double Jeopardy again!" I cheered. 

"Mithril! You are full of suprises, Master Baggins!" Gimli chuckled. 

"Oh, by the way, Chelsea...you dropped this a while back," Frodo said, fishing in this pocket for something. I gaped at him in adoration. 

"I LOVE YOU!" I squealed happily, tackling him back to the ground and grabbing the pack of Extra peppermint gum. I popped a piece into my mouth and skipped off happily, while Sam glared at me from the back. 

Orcs were soon approaching. Or so we heard. 

"To the Bridge of Khazad-dum!" Gandalf commanded. 

"Away!" Jamie and I said in unison as we ran. 

Moria was full with Orcs like ants at a picnic. Soon, we were surrounded. I had nothing to say, only eyed the Orc nearest to me who was grinning and brandishing his axe or whatever. I glared and brandished my sword right back. 

Gimli let out some kind of strangled war cry, and the Orcs retreated quicker than they had appeared. But as Gimli gloated, I noticed a glare of red on the walls. We all gazed at it in appalled horror. 

"What is this new devilry?" Boromir whispered. I found time to applaud the excellent use of words. 

"A Balrog. A demon of the ancient world. This foe is beyond any of you. RUN!" Gandalf said somberly, then yelled. 

"GAH! I read about those and they're big and fiery and kinda freaky and we're gonna die and did I mention we're doomed and I never got to run over a watermelon with a car and I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIE and-" I rambled hysterically. Someone pushed me gently, and I ran. 

-Jamie's PoV- 

It was so obvious now, how could they not see it? 

I ran on with my sword. Wow! Track really works wonders. Especially on my legs. 

(OOC: Okay, now I'm cracking up.) 

Pit pat. Pit pat. War cry. Screams. Pit pat, pit pat...THUD. 

I woke up from my sleep on a hard stone floor. Dirt, dust, the whole nine yards. I looked around to see where I was. I wasn't on the floor of the mines. I was on a rock...with the sun beating on my back. I turned myself over and examined a very worn out Fellowship. Something stirred beside me. 

"Hey," Chelsea muttered, not suprised. 

"What happened? And...uh...what's wrong?" I questioned her. 

"You passed out or something. Nothing's wrong. Nothing's wr-", a single tear ran down her cheek, "-everything's wrong. But don't worry about me." 

"It's my job to worry. I worry about all my friends. Even when they say nothing's wrong." 

"It's just...I'm not sad. These are kinda happy tears. Kinda...I'm just glad we're close to Lothlorien." 

-Chelsea's PoV-   
:rewind: 

Oh God...after this, I refuse to run ever again. Huff huff. Pant pant. Can't breathe. 

Unlike Legolas, Jamie, Aragorn, Boromir and (suprisingly) Gimli and Gandalf, I was having a very tough time running like the wind. And breathing. And... 

An onslaught of Orcs appeared from nowhere.Well, more than a dozen, anyway. We slew them quickly, and ran on until we came to a bridge. A very, long, narrow bridge. 

A pox on them. 

"Lead them on, Aragorn! The bridge is hear!" I overheard Gandalf mutter. Aragorn hesitated, and caused Gandalf to roar: "Do as I say! Swords are of no more use here!" he shouted. Just before we made to cross the bridge, Jamie fell. 

"JAMIE!" I yelled. She had passed out from exhaustion or...something else. The Fellowship skidded to a halt and stared at me in question. "She's passed out or..." 

Aragorn and Legolas made their way over. Gee, so nice to see the devotion in a crisis. 

"She's unharmed," Aragorn announced a minute later. 

I arched an eyebrow that said, "THEN WHY ISN'T SHE AWAKE AND SQUEEING OVER JIMMIE!" 

In one fluid movement, Legolas hoisted Jamie over his shoulder effortlessly. "It would be an assumption that she has not been receiving adequete sleep," he said as he walked back upfront. Then we sprinted on, over the crumbling bridge. Legolas leaped over first with Jamie, then Gandalf, Boromir, Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Gimli (who proclaimed, "nobody tosses a dwarf!"). 

I attempted to toss him but the little bugger was quicker. 

They all made it over safely, but a bit of bridge fell with each person who jumped. I realized there was no way I could bound over the crevice, and looking to Aragorn, I noticed there was no way to weasel out of it. 

"No...please, no," I sighed. Aragorn held Frodo and me closely as the rock we were standing on slanted. 

"Steady...hold on!" he barked at me as I made an attempt to retreat. 

The rock broke away from its botton and began to fall at an obscene angle. Slowly. Agonizingly. I watched in horror as the other side drew nearer. 

"Lean forward," Aragorn commanded. 

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" I shrieked as we fell forward. Aragorn and Frodo managed to get over, while I remained motionless on the stone. The Pit of Fiery Doom wasn't really helping. 

"Come on! Now!" Legolas urged impatiently. I suppose he was tired of waiting. Sending a scathing glance towards Legolas, I leaped forward, narrowly making it. I began to celebrate, but Gandalf forced us forward. 

"Over the bridge! FLY!" Gandalf shouted. I was now too exhilarated to move, let alone fly...but then a loud roar sounded and I turned around although I knew what was happening. 

Gandalf was facing the Balrog alone, shouting the infamous, "You cannot pass!" Frodo turned around and called Gandalf's name. We halted. "I am a servent of the Secret Fire, Wielder of the Flame of Anor. The Dark Fire will not avail you...Flame of Udun! Go back into the Shadow! YOU...SHALL NOT...PASS!" Gandalf bellowed. He manuevered his powers to cause the bridge to break. The Balrog plummeted, Gandalf sighed and turned around. 

The whip of the Balrog snaked around his ankle and he was dragged back down. He was trying to keep his grip, but he couldn't. 

Boromir grabbed Frodo to keep the small hobbit from going back to the Wizard. "GANDALF!" Frodo cried, strugging against Boromir. 

"Fly, you fools," Gandalf whispered, never losing his commanding tone. He fell. 

I'll be the first to admit I laughed when this happened in the movie. But now...there was nothing remotely funny about this. Not at all. Nothing was funny about the sudden stillness, or Frodo's cries of the way he was forced to be carried off by Boromir...nothing funny about the disbelief, shock, and sadness. Nothing funny about the shakiness that was taking over me. 

"Aragorn!" Boromir called to Aragorn who was watching the empty cavern. He looked up and resumed leadership: guiding us out of the mines at last. 

We emerged from the dark Moria to a dizzingly sunny mountaintop. Legolas set Jamie down on a rock, and walked off, wonder carved onto his face. Boromir was trying to convince a fretting Gimli of something, while the Dwarf attempted to go back. Sam threw himself down onto a rock, crying silently. Merry and Pippin sat near him, Merry looking like he was about to lose himself and Pippin ignoring the tears that were taking over his face. 

I sat by Jamie, looking off into the distance. A few minutes later she sat up. "Hey," I said quietly. 

"What happened? And what's...what's wrong?" she questioned. 

"You passed out or something...nothing's wrong. Nothing's wr-" I took a breath, letting the cold air sting the tears. "-everything's wrong. But really, don't worry about me," I answered her, glancing around at the people around me. 

"It's my job to worry. I worry about all my friends," she said joyously. 

I swallowed and looked to her, faux-smiling now. "It's just...I'm not really sad. These are kind of happy tears...kind of," I sighed. "I'm just glad we're close to Lothlorien." 

She finally looked around. "Where's Gandalf?" 

"Legolas...get them up," Aragorn called. 

"Give them a moment, for pity's sake!" Boromir argued, waving his arm at the grieving Fellowship. 

"By nightfall, these hills will be swarming with Orcs. We must reach the woods of Lothlorien. Come Boromir, Legolas,Gimli...get them up!" Aragorn said, emotion void in his voice. He helped Sam up as Boromir and Legolas helped the others. 

"Where's Gandalf!" Jamie repeated wildly. "Where is the Old Man!" 

Legolas reached us. "Come on, Jamie, Chelsea," he said quietly, lending a hand to Jamie. 

I glared at him. "How...how in the world can you say that? He's _ gone_, and you're willing to keep going like nothing's wrong!" 

"Gandalf's go-" Jamie began to say. 

"I'm not leaving until I'm ready to go," I said stubbornly. 

A minute later I was being cast over Legolas's shoulder, screaming my head off. "NO! THIS IS A VIOLATION OF MY RIGHTS! PUT ME DOWN, YOU PONCE!" 

"Frodo!" Aragorn alert as we began to leave. Frodo turned around, one tear blazing a path down his face. 

We walked on, leaving all spoken thoughts of wizards silent for the moment. 

** A/N- YESS! Got it all typed at long last and I'd like to get this over with so ON TO THANK YOUS! **

Cosmos Senshi- I'm glad. I'm one of those crazy people who A. Obsesses over PotC like a fangirl of the greatest extent and ties it into everything and B. Flaunts whatever foreign language I can. Thanks for continuing to read D! 

Slayer3- Do you know how happy it makes me when people think this is funny? I'M DOING THIS FOR YOUU PEOPLE! Thanks for leaving a review, and my apologies for taking longer than expected to type and post. Have you written that fic yet? If it's got LotR and Alias, I'd really like to read it. Can't seen I've seen the rest of those shows...even though people tell me to. Just got hooked on Alias and looove it. 

klt Brinkster- Obligied for the comments. D. Hope you're still reading and didn't leave off after chapter three because, if I may be so bold, I do believe this is getting better with each chapter/revision. 

Wren O'brien- Excellent name, first off. I understand with the spaz moments...that's basically what this parody's written on. Thank you for your review! 

And now, my preciouses, I must amble off. This is Chelsea, saying gooodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow. (Anyone else addicted to SNL?). And Happy Early St. Patrick's Day! I shall be spending the day green to pay homage to my Irish ancestors. Adieu! 


	8. Welcome to Lorien

**Chapter Eight**

Chelsea's PoV-

"...George Dubya will be on you like flies on a rotten carcass!" I hissed. The Fellowship kept soldiering on, ignoring the continuously threatening source near the back, trailing after Leggy. I felt my effectiveness was much more...effective when the noise level was louder, but Aragorn had threatened to "make me be silent", and that freaked me out a little bit. And so I just trailed Legolas, and if he got used to the buzzing, Aragorn. FIGHT AUTHORITY!

"Aragorn, do you hear a faint chattering sound?" Legolas said innocently. I had found a handy weapon to use but before I could do anything...

...I, being the ever-graceful girl I am, tripped over a rock. Into grass.

...grass?

"Lothlorien!" I said happily. Legolas's joy was overly apparent on his face. I sniggered a bit as we waltzed into the boundaries.

"Stay close, young hobbits! They say a great sorceress lives in these woods...an Elf-Witch of terrible power. All who look upon her fall under her spell and are never seen again..." I tuned Gimli out at that point. If I wanted ghost stories, I'd sit by a campfire with the rest of the Fellowship, wielding a flashlight under a full moon.

Suddenly, Elves appeared, pointing arrows at us.

"The dwarf breathes so loud we could have shot him in the dark," remarked the leader (it appeared). I sniggered again, waiting for the "yo mama"s.

The Elves, Legolas, and Aragorn muttered for a while.

"Jamie..." I whispered. She looked up. "ELVES!" I mouthed. She grinned. I began another song to the tune of "Home on the Range"...

_"Lothlorien... _

Where the Elf Witch and hot elves dwell!"

_"Where seldom an Orc is seen!"_ Jamie contributed.

"_AND THE LEAVES ARE NOT GREEN!" _

"_And the hot Elves are everywhere!_" we finished together. I turned back to see the Elves and Fellowship staring at us to the similarity of "O.O". I bowed. Attempted to. Whatever.

"Who are these new abominations?" Leader of the Elves said.

"I take offense to that," I pointed out.

They all muttered in Elvish again. Gimli's response to this: "So much for the legendary courtesy if the Elves!"

They reverted back to English, or whatever it is in Middle Earth. "We have not had dealings with the Dwarves since the Dark Days," Leader of the Elves commented.

"AHA! I KNOW NOW! You're Haldir!" I said intelligently at last. He arched an eyebrow and nodded, then went back to Gimli to argue about manners.

"You bring great evil with you. You can go no further," Haldir informed us. This engaged more Elvish blathering.

"Can you understand anything they're saying?" I muttered to Jamie.

"Um...no."

"Excellent. I'm not the only one then."

The Fellowship's anxiety grew, along with my boredom. I began the drum solo to "New Beginnings" (Finch), as their conversations grew louder. Jamie had snuck out her CD player and was rocking out to Simple Plan or some such.

"Gandalf's death was not in vain! Nor would he have you give up hope. You carry a heavy burden, Frodo. Do not carry the weight of the dead."

Boromir's speech brought me to reality. Ooh, drama. I yawned heavily.

Finally, Haldir spoke in a language that was understandable to the majority.

"You will follow me."

"Gladly," I said cheerfully. Odd looks around, nothing new, hohum.

I walked up front to Haldir, who was trying to be a Forest Ranger, Leader of the Pack, et. al.

"Hello," I greeted. He gave me a glance.

"Hello."

"I'm going to walk up here."

"...all right."

There was silence.

"Have you heard of a specimen called a Valandil?"

Sideways glance. "Yes."

Hmm. Not enough response. "Quick, one word to associate with him..."

"Advisory."

I nodded. "Obliged."

Sure, that's what I said, but what was echoing through my head?

_WTF!_

-------------

What seemed like, and might have been, hours later, we approached a cityscape. Haldir, who was either really annoyed at me or my newest Elvish amigo, looked upon it with admiration.

"Caras Galadhon. The heart of Elvendom on earth...Realm of the Lord Celeborn and Galadriel, Lady of Light," he smiled.

"Excellent," I said proudly.

We walked in, and how beautiful Middle Earth could be was revealed.

Haldir led us to Celeborn and Galadriel. Now no offense to my smashing Elvish friends, but the lure of Lorien was stronger than lectures. So I snuck off, without anyone noticing, to explore the heart of Lorien, forgetting every "STAY WITH YOUR GROUP!" lesson I had been forced to sit through in elementary school.

I speak no lies when I say Lorien was so much better than in the movies. Gah, you poser filmmakers.

As I walked along, some Elves would either bow (which I would regard with a little wave/tip of head/salute thing), or stare suspiciously. Needless to say, I was pretty amused. Eventually, i found a nice little garden to stay, and so I sat cross-legged in the grass.

But I didn't know I was being watched.

----------------

Thanks to a brief memory lapse caused by extreme relaxation, I was now happy and serene (ha. That's actually pretty funny.). I'd let all thoughts of Gandalf, life at home, how tired I was, and how cold I was conveniently slip my mind. Ah, bliss.

Oh, and The Killers were blasting from my MP3 player. BLISS.

For some reason, I opened my eyes. I could have sworn someone was there...but a glance around proved it was my paranoid nature overreacting once again. Figuring it was just a small, furry woodland creature, I closed my eyes again, headbobbing to "Somebody Told Me" and rocking out like a miniature bloody rock god...dess.

---------------

A time unit later, listening to Garbage now, something hit me over the head. I cracked open an eye, annoyed, and squeaked.

A squadron of armed Elves were brandishing arrows at me.

"On your feet." _If you're ever going to listen to me, don't laugh. DO. NOT. LAUGH AT THE PIRATES PARALLELS._ "Intruders are not permitted in the boundaries of Lorien," Police Cpn. Elf said sternly.

":squeak: OH EM GEE DON'T KEEL ME I WANT TO LIIIIVE AND WHAT OF MAH DAWTAIR-"

Isn't it odd how under stress, you develop crazy Madame Giry accents? And make up stories about dawtairs?

One of the elves tightened their bow or what have you, and I ran off on a rambling spree fighting back the inevitable hysterical laughter.

"I'm not an intruder, I'm a member of the-"

I didn't even get to finish. They dragged me off before my alibi could be heard.

None of my usually successful threats had any effect, not even the Dubya one. Sighing in angst, I tried a last resort.

"Do you not know who I am? I am the Princess of Auf Acshe! And Scottish bands desire to write songs about me all day long, singing "I WANT YOU...TO TAKE ME OUT!" Unhand me, knaves!" I screeched to no avail. I was led up a long, winding staircase that led to who knows where. Probably the gallows. And I had no pirate ship to haul me out of trouble. Or a Will. Sad. I'd prefer a Jack, but Will has supa-distraction-swordy powers. And he's so cute. Wait...did they even have gallows in Middle Earth? Gallows. Ha. It's a funny word...

My ingenious thoughts were interrupted by a sudden halt. I almost fell over, but by some grace, I didn't. I muttered darkly as the Elves muttered to the other Elves (guards at the tops of the stairs.) in Elvish.

"Come. We shall take you to the Lord and Lady," one of the Elves said. A brief stint of hope surged through me. The Fellowship was there...surely there was possibility I would be recognized and not killed.

I then realized I had no idea how long I had lazed around. They could be long gone.

We walked up more stairs, until finally we came to a platform-like landing. I was left to stand alone in near darkness. I didn't like it. There was something very odd about this place: safe, yet it was supremely foreboding.

A light suddenly broke through the darkness. I looked up, shielding my eyes. A random Elf guard entered also, and bowed.

"M'lord, M'lady, the Intruder on the Western Grounds."

Ooh, excellent stage name.

Celeborn and Galadriel stared at me expectantly.

"Um...I'm...er...sorry if I intruded but you see, I mean no harm. I'm part of-"

I was interrupted by a shriek. "THERE SHE IS!"

The entire Fellowship emerged and regarded me with looks of anger, worry, relief, happiness, and irritation. You can guess who was who.

"What were you thinking, going off by yourself? This is not a place for you to be alone, you could be killed or..." Leggy and Aragorn began angrily.

Okay, you caught me. Their speeches were similar to the above, only Aragorn's was filled with medieval gabber, and Legolas made it a lot worse by ranting in Elvish. The Hobbits were crying with silent laughter, but Jamie made no move to conceal her amusement.

It dawned on them quickly that they were in the presence of Celeborn and Galadriel. The silence came rapidly. Legolas bowed. I laughed. Gimli looked at Galadriel all "O.O" which sent me and Jamie into more hysterics.

Celeborn began to lecture and talk about Gandalf's whereabouts. "Gandalf the Grey did not pass the borders of this land. He has fallen into shadow," Galadriel said quietly.

Woah. Total creepiness yet total…R-E-S-P-E-C-T! FIND OUT WHAT IT MEANS TO ME! …yeah.

"He was taken by both Shadow and Flame. A Balrog of Morgoth. For we went needlessly into the net of Moria," Leggy said bitterly. I turned to him, eyes wide.

"You just used the word needlessly. HAVE I TOLD YOU LATELY…THAT I LOVE YOU!"

"Needless were one of the deeds of…" Galadriel began to speak. I didn't really hear her because she was in my head too.

_"Welcome, child, to Lorien." _

"Child! I mean… : sigh :…hi."

"Does this frighten you?"

"What?"

"Middle Earth."

"It's so absurdly awesome, it doesn't."

"I know what you have seen in your mind. This is what shall happen if you should fail."

"Okay, that's a little cre-"

"…the quest now stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and it will fail to the ruin of all," she spoke aloud. I had been dissed.

By this point, we were all a little uncomfortable. "But hope remains while the Company is true. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil. Tonight, you will sleep in peace," she said softly. Frodo gasped and stumbled backwards. There was something here…forget Legolas, something was drawing near and I could feel it.

-------------

I was sitting near the hobbits again. UBER SQUEE! It was night, but few of us were tired. Something in the air, probably.

"A lament for Gandalf," Legolas said quietly. God, what was it about this place that made me have suppressed laughter attacks?

"What do they say about him?" Merry asked. I squealed a little bit.

"I have not the heart to tell you. For me, the grief is still too near," he sighed.

"Drama Waffle King," I sighed. Sam sighed. We were all sighing a bit now.

"I bet they don't mention his fireworks. There should be a verse about them…

_The finest rockets ever seen  
They burst in stars of blue and green  
Or after thunder, silver showers  
Came falling like a rain of flowers._

…oh, that doesn't do them justice by a long road," he said in frustration.

"I liked it at least," I said, golf-clapping. "And now, I go to walk. If I'm not back by morning, RELEASE THE HOUNDS!"

No one paid me any mind. I'm nothing but air. I really should start singing more.

I walked off. Skipped off. Whatever.

"Chelsea. CHELLLSEA. CHELSEA!"

I turned around to see Jamie running towards me.

"Urgency is because…?"

"It's so boring back there," she sighed. Typical Jamie. "Boromir's getting patriotic with Aragorn…everyone else is being quiet. Scared of their wrath. I'm going to come with you."

"Okay," I said.

"So…uh…how do you think the quest is going so far?"

"Not so well," I sighed in emo-ness. "We're divided. I could ramble on why, but…I think you know." Her blank look told me the truth. "Righto then." I thought for a topic that would be interesting and deep. In some way.

"Ah, but what about dear Willia-….Legolas."

She looked at a tree next to us as we stopped. "I haven't talked to him for a while," she said mournfully.

"Well, we'll be here for a month. Use your time wisely," I said seriously. I couldn't take it, and started to snicker. She glared at me, and I sighed.

"By the way…" Jamie started to say. I started.

"I meant to ask you! Did…" I lowered my voice. "…did Galadriel speak to you inside your mind? Like the Phantom?"

"I thought you didn't like the Phantom anymore?"

"I don't. Answer the question."

"Well, yes…but…"

Her eyes locked on something behind me.

"What? What're you looking at? Oh my God, don't tell me Will and Jack are finally here…" I said gleefully. She couldn't/wouldn't answer, so I swiveled around to look, and crashed into someone, falling over backwards.

"OH MY GOD I'M SORRY I WASN'T LOOKING AND THEN THERE WERE THOSE PESKY LEPRECAUNS THAT WERE SKITTERING AROUND I'M REALLY NOT THAT CLUMSY AND I'M SORRY AND-" I noticed who I was rambling to.

"You haven't changed much, have you Valawen?"

Shiver me timbers and call me Larry.

"Valandil?"

Jamie snickered. "You! You set this up!"

She gave me an odd look. "Um…no."

"Liar," I glared from the ground. Valandil extended a hand, but I didn't notice it until I stood up. Yeah, I wasn't exactly the brightest girl at the moment.

"Is there a reason you're here, or just to make innocent girls run into you?" I accused, tilting my head and looking at him. He seemed slightly amused, slightly miffed. So I giggled with girlish glee and hugged him (although "hug" isn't the best word).

"Have you been here before?" I said after I stepped back. Stupid question, but…

"It was my adopted homeland. I came here…in my childhood," he said, gazing into space. Why do I constantly have the habit of bringing up horrible memories? It's like I'm a female dementor or something…

A second later, he grinned. "How was your journey?"

Ah well. You can't blame only me for having bad conversational topics.

"All right, I guess. Aside from the lack of sleep, bad pacing, 13 hour days, the whole mort de Gandalf, and bad food, it was pretty good," I sighed. "I think I miss Rivendell."

"I'm sure Legolas would be happy to have Jamie and you visit Mirkwood at one point," he said thoughtfully. "I would enjoy it too, of course."

I fought back another round of girlish glee-giggles from behind a face of astonishment.

"That'd be…ABSOLUTELY SMASHING!" I grinned. (Jamie, I notced, had been gone for a while. In the words of the wise character portrayed by Michael McDonald… "sneaky snake".)

"We should walk back," Valandil said. I nodded, deciding not to dwell on the possibilities of the phrase, and we turned to go.

-----------

We reached the platform where the others were located. I saw Haldir, and waved manically. Jamie and Legolas rolled their eyes.

Don't forsake amusement yet, guys.

"Ah, Valandil! Mae govannae!" Haldir greeted. I sighed, knowing this was to follow in, yes…

More Elvish gibbering.

Those who could not understand stood there, smiled and nodded, and attempted to look smart.

"You two know each other?" I stated after the gibbering reached a few minutes. Well, of course they did, with the whole word association "advisory" thing…but how? HOW!

"We were friends in our upbringing," Valandil smiled.

"Uh huh," Jamie nodded.

"I see," I said.

"Is there a reason we're here?" Pippin piped up.

Haldir stood straighter, assuming duty as a host. "Welcome, Fellowship, to Lorien. We hope you fin our accommodations suitable. You may…"

I zoned out about there, and rifled through my backpack. Much to my surprise, I found cookies that had not been there before. I squeed a little loudly and bit into a peanut butter one. Mm…peanut buttery goodness.

I looked to Jamie to see she had found food and beverage products galore. The Fellowship began to part. The four hobbits went in the direction of one treehouse, Gimli, Aragorn, and Boromir in another. Legolas and Valandil stood nearby, muttering brotherly greetings under their breath. In Elvish, of course.

"Haldir!" I called rather majestically. He turned around. "Where are Jamie and I to stay?"

He gave me a look that said, "silly girl, of course you know." "With Valandil and Legolas of course."

Jamie, who had been leisurely enjoying a Mountain Dew, spewed.

I raised my eyebrows at Haldir. "And…you really trust us?"

He raised his eyebrows in return.

"We are noble fangirls, you know."

"We might glomp them to death in their sleep or something," Jamie managed to say.

I turned to Valandil. "I'm sorry, but I don't think we're ready for this stage in our relationship," I said graciously. He smirked.

I rounded back to Haldir. He shrugged.

"You stay with them…or with Aragorn."

I sighed like the Drama Queen I am. "Is there a reason we don't have our own treehouse?"

"Intruders," he said simply.

"You just said this was a well protected a-" Jamie began to say.

"You might do something less than intelligent."

I stared at him, mouth agape. "I cannot believe your nerve." I turned to Jamie. "_La conférence de fangirls, s'il vous plait!_"

"…huh?"

We turned from the three elves.

"It's not so bad really," she said.

"But…there will be Hot Gods of Elvishness!" I hissed, glancing over my shoulder to be sure no one was listening. They were discussing something amongst themselves, but can you ever be sure with those tricky Greenleaves? No. You cannot.

"It'll be…different, but we'll just have to live with it."

"Har, literarily. Should we find a way to be supa-stealthy and get the thing to ourselves?"

"We'll see how things work out. I was thinking that though."

"Excellent."

"WE ACCEPT," we announced to the chatting elves, smirking evilly.

"Valar," Legolas muttered. Valandil smirked. I fought back girlish giggles…they just seem to be prevalent today, don't they?

We began the ascent to the ladder. When I got to the top, I looked over what I could see of Lorien. Then, Jamie appeared at my side. We looked down, seeing two Elves, and we looked at each other.

"Ooer."

--------------------- 

Jamie's PoV-

"WEEEEE!" I yelled with glee while jumping on the soft linens covering the Elvish bed. Chelsea glanced at me and proceeded to jump on her bed too. Our happiness was short-lived.

--------- 

Chelsea's PoV-

What is so wrong with jumping on beds? Really, if you've got a bit of pent-up energy, it's better to jump than try to kill someone or something, right?

Obviously, Leggy didn't see it that way.

"May I ask what you are doing?" he sighed as he turned to face us. Jamie sat on her bed immediately, and I stood defiantly on mine.

"Releasing pent-up energy. Got a problem _avec_ that, _Monsieur de_ Elfy?"

He stared at me blankly. Jamie looked at me.

"I don't even speak French, but I can tell you that that's horrible."

"Thanks, PEF."

Valandil, unlike Legolas, had not been trying to sleep. He was watching things out of the window behind his brother. He glanced around the tree trunk that separated us from them. (ooh, _Lost_ reference!).

"I can think of many other ways to release pent-up energy that's much more entertaining than jumping on beds," he said innocently. I dropped to my bed.

"Getcher mind outta them there's gutter," I snarled. His eyes widened. "GARN!"

Three pairs of eyes focused on me. I got under the covers.

"I happen to believe I make a very convincing Eliza Dolittle. Now…GOODNIGHT!"

----------------------------------

**A/N- It's hard work rewriting my point of views AND typing. I really don't care for what I wrote in the first one, although I love the second one (now finished!) and my first point of view in the third one. **

Yes. We are FINALLY on RotK :sniff sniff:. Although now ANOTHER cowriter has the second one (finishing up the last PoV), Jamie's working on RotK, and I'm stuck…typing.

Smashing.

_Slayer3- It's a little bit funny how Spring Break has come and come, and SUMMER HAS STARTED…and I've finally posted again. How's the fic now? Thank you for continuing to review…I'm very disappointed with FotF at the moment, now that I've seen what GOOD parodic writing in this story is. But I can't exactly start from the beginning, so I've just got to type and edit. :sigh: Sorry, rambled a bit there. _

sibbielee113- Can't say I really thought of that…amusing though. I'll talk to Jamie about the Gimli thing…you might see some in the RotK parody then, because I can still craftily maneuver one into my PoV. Har. Thank you for the ideas though!

**REVIEW!…as I tend to implore you at the end of each chapter.**


	9. 7706OMGSQUEE

**A/N- And now...your semi-annual chapter of 2005...just in time for Christmas! **

**  
Disclaimer- After all these years, do I still need one? It's quite obvious what I do/not own. **

Chapter Nine 

  
-Chelsea's PoV-

The next morning, at who knows what ungodly hour, I woke up. It seemed like I had woken from death. The exhaustion I had shrugged off since we set off from Rivendell had come back with a vengeance, and my head was threatening to split open. I squinted outside and slipped back into my comatose sleep.

"I think she's died," I heard a voice say. "It's three in the afternoon, and usually she's been up and running around for seven hours."  
I groggily opened my eyes to see Jamie, Legolas, and Valandil whispering in a corner. I rolled over in my bed of pain and attempted to fall back asleep.

"Chelsea, what's going on?" Jamie asked. She was faintly worried.

"I'm tired," I murmured in reply.

"She's dying," she confirmed to the two brothers.

"I am not," I protested groggily. "I'm tired."

I felt a hand on my forehead, then Valandil's whisper of "Then sleep."

I did not resist.

Hours later, I woke up. I pulled on a second change of clothes, and marveled at their cleanliness. Happy days. There was a knock on the ground, the equivalent of a door.

"Enter!" I replied.

Jamie climbed into the room and gave me a look. "You're feeling better?"

"Much. It's amazing how bad you can feel if you completely neglect sleep and run around nonstop for a few weeks," I yawned. "What's for breakfast?"

"What do we always eat here?" she grumbled, throwing a bit of lembas at me. I couldn't decide if this made me happy or disappointed...I was so sick of the Elvish waybread but it tasted so magically delicious... how can one make up their mind?

I craftily scanned the place, then whispered. "How is dear Legolas?"

"We talked," she said, waggling her eyebrows.

"Uh...huh."

"A lot."

"This place is so boring when it comes to fun," I sighed. "But at the moment, I am so very bored and desire to wreak havoc on Lorien."

"YES!" she screeched. We left the treehouse in hysterics.

After walking, chatting, bringing up inside jokes, and stalking many elves, we parted ways. I walked peacefully alone, and was so content I wished no one would disturb me.

I found a heavily wooded spot and leant against a tree. I thought about it, and then proceeded to wonder about many other fascinating things. I absentmindedly checked my watch (or lack thereof) and sighed. I looked in front of me. Like a ghost, Valandil had appeared. We stared at each other for a minute.

"Do you wish to be alone?" he said in such a Darcy-ish manner I nearly died.

I shook my head, and we continued to stare at each other. Every conversation option that appeared in my head I dismissed. I'd acted stupid enough as of late, and I had a feeling he could see through any of my attempts to be more intelligent and poised.

"I-" I began to say. He stared at me intensely, and I found I could not speak. An old Garbage song floated through my mind: _you stupid girl... _"I...uh...like your tunic."

He grinned a little. "And I yours. What do you mean to tell me, Valawen?"

I paused. "I'm not sure." _I'm underage and more mature than many people I know but in no way am I mature enough for an Elf, especially one of your caliber...if you know what I mean and I think you do.  
_"Valawen sounds a lot like Valandil, don't you think?"

"I suppose it does," he said thoughtfully.

"Did you have an ulterior motive in selecting that name?" I half-accused. He began to walk towards me, so purposefully, so...Darcyishly. He placed one hand on my face.

"My dear Valawen, I have ulterior motives in all that I do," he whispered. He drew nearer to me and I couldn't breathe and if there was a battle settlement I would have fallen off it by now...

"EEEEEEEP!" screeched a familiar...screech. Jamie flung herself into the clearing as we flung ourselves apart. "I can never go into the treehouse again."

I glared at her. She would merit no response from me, ruining my Love Scene in such a manner.

"What is wrong?" Valandil asked caringly.

"It's too horrible to say," she said. "Come on."

"It's horrible and you're drawing us into it," I said grumpily. Valandil shot me a bemused look that said_, We'll finish this later_.

We ran off after Jamie. We arrived at the treehouse and she paused at the stairs. "You," she commanded Valandil. "-will go first."

He gave a jaunty bow and climbed up the stairs.

"Avert your eyes, Chelsea," Jamie whispered with a large grin. I scowled at her and cast a paranoid glance at the ascending Greenleaf.

I felt more angry than apprehensive, but still went up the ladder, expecting to see a dead orc, elf, or hobbit. I entered the room. Valandil was looking curiously around.

"I don't see anything," I said bluntly. Jamie raised a shaking finger to her bed. Okay, perhaps it was a note detailing her untimely demise. Valandil strode forward as Jamie and I followed from behind. Resting on the bed was a spider.

"This?" he said, stunned. "This is the abnormity?"

Jamie nodded, eyes wide. It was big, and I'm no fan of arachnids, but I began to laugh. Valandil soon joined in, and Legolas ascended into our small party.

"What-" he began.

"SPIDER! KILL IT!" Jamie screeched in short terms. Legolas walked to the hairy monstrosity, picked it up, and took it out of the cabin, most likely returning it to its earth. He then turned to us.

"It is unseemly to find gaiety in others' phobias. Are you listening to me?" he commanded with all the authority of a father.

"Would you like the honest or dishonest answer?" I giggled.

"What kind of person could you possibly be to-"

"Me? I'm dishonest. And a dishonest person you can always trust to be dishonest, honestly." Jamie glared at me. "COME ON! SEQUEL!" She stormed out, and I grabbed my backpack (for parley purposes) and dashed after her.

"Jamie! I'm ever so sorry!" I called, running and laughing after her. She walked faster, and I kept yelling. She whirled around suddenly and I held up a box of cheesy whatsits with a cheesy smile plastered on my face. "Parley?"

She grabbed the box and marched on. I moshed her from behind, and she nearly ran into a tree. "ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!" she screamed.

"PARLEY!" I screamed in reply. Elves were staring, quiet beings they were. Aragorn walked past us, raising his eyebrows. I waved at him happily, and he returned it uncertainly.

"Come now, Jamie," I chided.

"Yes, I shall require a debt..." she began.

"A blood debt? Like the one Davey Jones requires!" I gasped, eyes wide.

"JULYSEVENTHTWOTHOUSANDANDSIXOHMYGOD!" we screeched in unison. The debt was momentarily forgotten as we proceeded to run around, screaming to every sixth elf about the upcoming sequel, a sequel to end all sequels, if you will.

"LEGMEISTERJULYSEVENTHTWOTHOUSANDANDSIXYOURPANTS..TIGHTPANTSOMGOMGHOTJACKOMGBAAAAAHBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE," Jamie screeched to Legolas later that night. He gave her an odd look that said nothing short of, "What?"

High off previous sleep and caffeine, Jamie and I were still on our sequel-rant.

"Bahrbee?" Valandil repeated, saying the word with foreign curiosity.

"Yes!" I said happily. I walked over to my bag, searched though the tidal waves of crap, and pulled out a picture of one Hector Barbossa. It had hearts drawn around it. "Voici Bahrbee!" He accepted the picture and stared at it curiously, then furrowed his brow and put on a hoity toity expression.

"My dear sir, you do look like you are in need for a bit of a shave," he said politely to the picture.

"I suppose he could, but y'know, he feels nothing," I said wisely, reclaiming my picture and stuffing it back. I retrieved another picture. "Now here's a fine speci-MAN!"

"He looks like a dwarf who hasn't bathed in years," Legolas said from across the room, merely glancing at the picture.

"A very attractive dwarf?" I said, waggling my eyebrows. "A very tall attractive dwarf who carries around a bunch of weapons and is drunk all the time and _TRES CHAUD_!"

"I suppose so," he replied, barely listening to me. "He is attractive for a dirty scumbag."

I giggled with girlish glee and pulled out the last picture for the night. "And what about dear William?"

Valandil stole the picture and wandered over to his brother. "Doesn't he look familiar, dear Legolas?"

Jamie and I shared a knowing look, then for the millionth time that day, burst into (flames) hysterics.

  
--Jamie's PoV-  
  
After Legolas and Valandil woke me from my not-as-deep-as-I-would-like slumber, I went to find Aragorn. I found him talking to Haldir about God-knows-what in Elvish. I snuck up behind him, stealthily, like Chelsea stalking Root Boy, or even Amanda and me hovering behind Mr. Ware. I then jumped up and screamed, "AIEEEEEEEEEEK!", glomping him with a glomp to end all glomps.

Haldir quickly smiled, nodded, and ran away, terrorized as much as an Elf could be.

I hung on to Aragorn's neck as he spat, "Chelsea! GET OFF OF ME!" I was surprised in the least and released my freakishly strong hold on his neck. "Jamie! I did not expect this of you!" I "XD-d" and set off for Sir Leggohousen.

After a half-hour of searching, screaming, and enlisting the help of Lorien inhabitants, I found him in a mangled clump of bushes. He raised his finger to his lips and signaled for me to come closer (XD). I took up a spot in the bushes and listened to Legsy quietly explain to me what he was doing.

"I know it is no secret that Chelsea is taken with my brother, and he with her. I have been watching them together. I cannot let him tell her anything about-" he cut himself off.

I peered through the bushes and heard Valandil say, "Did you hear that? In the bushes?" Chelsea looked at him like, "I can deal with a little insanity, just because you're so _chaud_." Legolas looked at me like "What do we do?" In sheer desperosity, I pulled him toward me and snogged him, tongues and all. For a near-3,000 year old guy, he sure hadn't lost his touch...

We continued to pretend to devour each others' faces as we ignored Valandil's gaping and Chelsea's blurting out of "SCORE!" between every "OH MY GOD!" Valandil closed the bushes and left, mouth agape. Chelsea stood there, looking back and forth between Leggy, Vally's back muscles rippling as he walked away, and me. She squeaked and flounced off after Vally, muttering something in German.

I had no clue what to do next, so sat there for a minute after ungluing my face from Legmeister's. I slowly processed what had just occurred, then, after getting the okay from Leggy, set off after Chelsea. I glomped her from the side, sending her toppling over into another set of bushes.

"OH MY GOD!" Chelsea screeched, picking leaves out of her hair. "Double vay ta eff!"

I replied, "Young love, what can I say?" and left to explain to Leggy. Jeezum crowe, if I knew the effects of that one snog (that one really nice, long snog), I question whether I would have done it...

Of course I would've.

I found Leggy in our uber tree house. Lorien is so awesome. Climbing up the steps was made difficult by my heavy breathing and exhaustion, but I continued upward. I knew I had to explain. But what was there to explain? It was just a snog, right? A harmless snog? A snog between friends, right?

He was sitting on his bed, carefully examining something. Or he was pretending to not notice me. I came up and sat beside him. He knew it was me without looking up, which is typical of the Elven race...:snicker:.

:loooong awkward silence:

_  
I don't know what to do! I snogged a future King, is that a crime? _

"Whatcha reading?" I started off. Wow…I am just full of ideas.

"A note. From my brother."

"Oh? What about?"

"He's gone...with Chelsea. He says he will return soon though."

I popped my mouth, you know, like a facepalm...with your fingers to your lips?

"Legolas," I whispered, moving closer. He whispered my name in return, cupping my face with one perfectly manicured hand, following my neck until..

"Take it," I said. "It doesn't belong to me." I tried ripping the necklace off my neck like they do in Pirates of the Caribbean, or some other so-fricken-famous movie, but it hurt...really bad. I slowly unhooked the clasp as Leggy looked on.

He flipped the engraved golden ring over between his fingers after I gave it to him. "Where did you get this?" he boomed.

"I...I..." I paused. "I was trying to protect you."

"Protect me?"

"I thought you could have been an Orc. That would have been awful."

  
OOC: Look familiar? xD..sigh. 

**  
What Really Happened: **

:loooong awkward silence:

I don't know what to do! I snogged a future King, is that a crime?

"Whatcha reading?" I started off.

"A note. From my brother."

"Oh? What about?"

"He's gone...with Chelsea. He says he will return soon though."

"Ooh." I practically whispered, probably hinting at my embarrassment. "Chelsea didn't tell me she was going anywhere. Hmm.."

"Amaurea?"

I looked at him a long time, giving him an "o.o" expression with maybe a bit of the "come hither so I can shag you" face.

I don't know if he meant to, but he looked like he was about to. Then he broke the silence by quipping, "Why did you...what's the word? Snog? Yes, why did you snog me?"

I smiled a faint smile, looking him in the eyes. (Tee hee contacts!)

"Legsalot," I paused, sighing heavily before continuing, "...I think you know why I did." I smiled that faint smile again, and paused at his sharp intake of breath.

"I figured as much, I'm just," ((hot)), "..I'm just confused."

"Eh?" I said slowly, almost mimicking a Canadian hockey player.

Then he kissed me.

-Chelsea's PoV-  
-rewind- 

The next morning, Legs and Valandil were gone. Jamie was frowning and munching on something.

"Guten morning!" I said half-Germanly.

"Oh, hey," she said distractedly. "Valandil left this for you." She handed me a note of some kind which I wasted no time at all proceeding to rip open.

_  
Meet me, Valawen. _

"Understatement of the year," I muttered. "How long ago did they leave?"

"Eh, like two hours ago," she replied.

"AAAAH!" I screamed, safely securing the note in my bag and cramming my feet into shoes. I jumped out of the treehouse to Jamie's laughter.

_  
OH GOD WHAT IF HE LEFT, _I wailed internally._ Why didn't he wake me up? OH GOD WHAT IF HE HAS TO SETTLE PATERNITY ISSUES ON A CUTE LITTLE BABY ELF OR EVEN WORSE WHAT IF HE HAS FOUND A FRENCH GIRL WHO SINGS "MOOOOOOON RIIIIVER!" LIKE THE ANGELS WOULD AND LOOKS LIKE AUDREY HEPBURN AND- _

I flew into the clearing where we'd met yesterday. He was sitting under a tree and reading a book patiently. I composed myself as best I could and smiled, "Good morning." He looked up with no mirth. God, Will's claimed another hot piece of... fandom into his Emo Club. "What's wrong?"

"My father and I have some things to resolve. There's much that you do not know," he sighed. I sat across from him. _Oh God, does my face look fat? I LEFT MY HAIR DOWN OH MY GOD WHERE ARE MY CHOPSTICKS AND- _

"You can tell me, if you wish," I said quietly. It was silent for a few minutes.

"Father has been cross with me since my birth. There was to be one heir to his throne and two were born. I was the one who would rule. I forsook my destiny and Legolas was chosen as heir. I informed my father when this took place that I would never serve as my brother's underling. He did not take this lightly."

_  
Give me a smile? Please? The gravity is scaring me, ever so slightly...because I know where this is leading. _

"If I cannot convince him that I am of some use, there is a good possibility that I will be removed from the royal family. I must return home to remedy this situation," he fell silent. I had nothing to say. "He cares too much for his country," he said bitterly. "The same thing happened long ago. I cannot tell you how many years it's been. I left home for a while, and came here and lived comfortably. Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel let me stay as if I was someone as close as family. Legolas came to retrieve me years later, to tell me Father had dismissed the situation. He never forgets anything. He will never forgive me either, unless I can do this right."

"I know what it's like to fight with family," I said. "It's never been like that." It was silent once more. "Valandil, I-"

"Let me speak. I do not know how long it will be until I return. I do not know how long it will be until I can tell you...Valawen, I-" he paused. "Did you hear that? In the bushes?" I listened and heard nothing. My skills as a female dementor must have been improving. He got up suddenly and strode over to a patch of bushes, and pulled them apart to reveal Jamie and Legolas snogging.

"OH MY GOD!" I screeched. Valandil's eyes widened. After a second, he closed the bushes and walked away. Jamie and Legolas never noticed a thing. It made me wonder...are all Elves that...for lack of better word... _good_? I looked after Valandil thoughtfully and trotted after him.

"I must find Legolas," he said as I caught up. Well, that was pretty obvious; he was back there snogging the life out of Jamie. Or vice versa. I wasn't paying attention. "I will meet you again later."

"Good luck!" I called out. He turned around and smiled. I couldn't decide if I should faint or smile back. He was gone before I could decide.

I stood in the middle of the Lorien equivalent to a road until I was savagely glomped by a PEF and fell into another set of bushes.

"DOUBLE-VAY TA EFF!" I screeched. WTF in French.

"Young love, what can I say?" she said dreamily. I snickered and she ran back off.

I wandered around aimlessly for a while, still flummoxed. Wandered around until...

"Valawen!" I heard Valandil shout. I spun around and attempted to look like the movie starlets of old. "I must leave tomorrow." I noticed him pocketing a letter as he said this. "Father...has crossed his own boundaries," his eyes hardened.

I looked at him curiously. "How?"

He stared at me, as if seeing how much of the truth I could handle. I can handle a lot of truth, in case you're wondering. He exhaled. "He's arranged a marriage," he said through gritted teeth.

I cocked an eyebrow at him. "If it will please him and resolve the conflict, why don't you go through with it?"

He stared at me again. "Are you all right?"

"I believe so."

"You've just suggested for me to marry another."

"It's not like we're married," I said coolly. "We're from two different worlds," I made extravagant hand gestures. "It would have never worked between us, darling." More staring. He took my hand, which had four half-moon marks from my fingernails digging into my palm. I took my hand back, and gave him a look. "It would have never worked," I repeated. I turned and began to walk away. I stopped abruptly when I felt his arms encircle my waist.

"You're not an actress. Come with me. I'll explain," he whispered into my ear. What could I do but follow?

We went back to the treehouse and I packed my things while Valandil scribbled a note to Legolas. "We will go to where I stay when I come here," he said. Without the supervision of Legs, what would happen? I have little to no willpower. _Oh God, I'm going to be taken advantage of. _I glanced at Valandil, who was frowning at his note. _Okay. Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing. _

He looked up at me. "Are you ready?"

I flounced over and began to descend the ladder. "As ready as I'll ever be."

His treehouse was bigger than the previous one. Fit for a prince. Ooh, tasteless joke. I dropped my stuff by the bed overlooking Lorien.

"Would you have me marry her to solve my problems?"

I looked over at him. His face was serious. And beautiful. "Would you be happy?"

"Would you?"

I snerked a little and sat down on the bed. "This is going nowhere." I looked up and he was in front of me. He cupped my chin with his hand, forcing me to keep staring at him.

"I wouldn't do it."

"Is all my Jack-quoting in vain? IT WOULD HAVE NEVER WORKED BETWEEN US. DARLING."

He bent down so that when he spoke, I could feel the heat from his breath. "I'll take the time we have."

Oh God. I'm the eternal sap. I could keep acting like it didn't matter, that my skin was thicker than Oliphants with armor on...it would all be futile. An eternal sap is condemned for eternity.

I blinked and two tears fell. "NO!" I wailed. "OH GOD, NOT THIS AGAIN." I flung myself backwards and closed my eyes, not breathing to repress the emo fit that was begging to happen.

I felt his hand gently caress my face. _Ugh. Not while I'm CRYING. What kind of Casanova are you? _

"I bet that had ulterior motives too, right?" I said, keeping my eyes closed. _Breathe deeply. That is the way. _Excellent advice from a book, kind of like that godforsaken/blessed book that landed us here...

He kissed my forehead gently. "I will take care of it. I will not marry her."

"If it's death or marriage, marry her," I ordered him.

"I promise nothing," he said nobly. I opened my eyes to glare at him.

"Stop being noble."

He grinned, the first I'd seen that day. "I leave tomorrow morning."

"Will you wake me up before you leave?"

"If you will wake."

I remained lying on the bed, staring on the ceiling. It was dark. I wasn't tired. All I could concentrate on was the fact I got mere touches, gazes, and forehead kisses while Jamie got a snog fest. Lucky lucky girl.  
That jealousy left after I got an image of Valandil happily married to another. Another elf, who would live to a ripe old age and look hot while doing so.

"I will not marry her," Valandil repeated from across the room.

I sighed. "Whatever you say."

"I doubt she'd marry me anyway. Who would care to marry an Elf such as myself?"

It was on the tip of my tongue. I swallowed my words. "Goodnight, Valandil."

It was silent. I could hear him thinking.

The next morning at the ungodly hour of 4AM, I was woken up. I hurriedly put on shoes and grabbed a granola bar, which I ate half of before deciding I was no longer hungry. I descended the ladder down to the earth. Looking as ruffled as an Elf could look, Valandil sighed and followed.

Legolas was the only Elf I knew at the going away party (tcha. Right.). Haldir, Galadriel, and Celeborn were there as well, but as I had not spent endless weeks in their presence, I did not "know them".

Elves tended to his horse as Valandil said his goodbyes to those who showed up at the ungodly hour. I tried to stand at the end of the line like a noble elf, not a girl who was endlessly amused by everything and the youngest one there by several...millennia. I wished Jamie was there. Or a Hobbit. Or at least someone who would make me laugh in this dark hour (literally.).

When he approached me, the other Elves began talking amongst themselves, turning completely away from us. I stared at them, perplexed. Valandil smiled, and pulled me behind a tree.

"Never trust Elves when they appear to be busy. We are excellent eavesdroppers," he grinned. I began calculating all the times Jamie and I had giggled girlishly while Legolas and/or Valandil had appeared busy...

"If all else fails, I will meet you in Rohan," he continued. He pulled me closer to him (ooer) and whispered something in Elvish. I hoped it was something exciting like, "I will shag you when the hour is late and all are gone!" but it was probably something ordinary like, "The something-or-other plant is the best for curing ills. Oh, and the weather is to be sunny tomorrow."

He stepped back and looked at me intensely. "Namaarie, Valawen, mela nin."

I smiled. "Godspeed, Valandil." I was about to continue with, "it's impolite to speak in languages another does not understand" when he swung onto the horse (ooer), and began to ride fast.

"The best goodbyes are quick," Legolas said from beside me. I nodded, and then sighed. I followed him as we set off for the old treehouse.

Legolas disappeared soon after we reached the treehouse. Jamie was still sound asleep, so I quietly made my way to my bed and sat down. I couldn't decide if I should sleep or not.

"WHY DID YOU LET HIM LEAVE!" Jamie yelled in my ear to wake me up. I jumped about a foot in the air and nearly fell out the window.

"What?" I said blearily. She pointed to an empty bed. I dazedly looked around the treehouse. "What was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know...you could have thought up something," she said. I threw the blankets back over my head. "You're ruining everything!"

"You're so lucky. Just in case I forgot to tell you," I yawned. "I miss the Hobbits."

I heard her storm out. I fell back asleep blissfully.

Later that day, after much scouting, I found the Hobbit House. There was much food, drink, and dancing to be found. Although I was nearly twice the height of them, I found myself relating more to them than I ever did to the pointy eared Fair Folk….in the few weeks I'd inhabited their earth.

How crazy.

We were to set off within a few days. I couldn't help but be cheered by leaving the beautiful, forever twilight realm.

**A/N- Some things parodic, some things emo, some things stupid. That's what you can expect upon revising crap that was written TWO YEARS AGO in a FANGIRL STUPOR. Jamie and I both did our parts to make this chapter better than it was originally. Which it is. By leagues, believe me.  
**

**Quickies: Chaud means "hot" in French (XD), "Breathe deeply. That is the way." is from Rebel Angels, sequel to a great book by Libba Bray (GO READ IT WHILE WAITING FOR THE NEXT INSTALLMENT IN THIS PARODY!). I think that's it...**

The Fantastic Fangirls- If by "more often" you mean "twice a year" then done! XD. It's my fault on most posting accounts because...I hate typing things up :sigh: Same thing with our parody...I JUST DON'T WANT TO TYPE! Ah well. I'm glad you keep reviewing, anyway. EEE EWAN! Random outburst of replies.

Slayer3- Oh, I'm sure it'll Mary Sue at some point before the end. Like this chapter, for instance. Look at it this way: it's parodic in it's sappiness. See? Changes everything to a parody! Thanks for continuing to read/review! XD!

Ko- Thanks! Once again, hope you didn't stop after chapter one. YOUR REVIEW MEANS LEAGUES TO ME.

**In a world akin to LotR...HAVE YOU SEEN THE POTC TEASER! OMGOMGXDSQUEEYAY! I saw it when it was all bootleggy and bad quality, which made me feel like an uber fan. It's so great. Really. Go to Yahoo for a nicer quality one. It's so bon, I actually went outside and ran around in the yard for a few minutes. In the cold. Barefoot. At 10PM.**

**Reviews make great presents...XD. Have a great Christmas! **

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